He then bespattered the youth with abundance of that language which passes between country gentleman who embrace opposite sides of the question; with frequent applications to him to salute that part which is generally introduced...

When preserving for posterity, use ¾ cup of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.

I want to give the gift of life—to myself, in the form of my clone. So I’ll be giving myself myself, and I’ll be grateful—and so will I.

You’re not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess.

Quand celui à qui l’on parle ne comprend pas et celui qui parle ne se comprend pas, c’est de la métaphysiqueWhen he to whom a person speaks does not understand, and he who speaks does...

Prejudice in this country is like chapters in a book. Chapter One: Hating the Africans and Indians. Chapter Two: Don’t forget the Irish. Chapter Three: Polish jokes.”….. “Hispanics? Latinos? Whatever you call us? Maybe we’re...

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.

Lord of the Muck.

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter’s forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. “Wake. Up,” Four snaps....

I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to...

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

I had a dream about you. My brain was plugged directly into the internet, and people in Russia were streaming my dreams. Edward Snowden was there, and he was eating popcorn that I’d mailed him.

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

My Gullah grandfather is bringing a bag of dust to a vampire war. I feel better.

Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up, Lazarus style.

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one – black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in...

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs?” Tears flowed down her face. “I don’t want to go down the hole! I won’t put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won’t be...

My grandpa never read the newspaper. Not because he was particularly optimistic, but because he was illiterate. He taught me to read by watching TV.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.

Not entirely fair?” His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. “I am Satan,...

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?— Riley Poole

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

Herr Kafka, essen Sie keine Eier.” (As one and only piece of dialog K recalls from his meeting with Rudolf Steiner – “Mr. Kafka don’t eat eggs.

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

…the Puritans compressed whatever mirth and public joy they deemed allowable to human infirmity; thereby so far dispelling the customary cloud, that, for the space of a single holiday, they appeared scarcely more grave than...

Genua had once controlled the rivermouth and taxed its traffic in a way that couldn’t be called piracybecause it was done by the city government, and therefore sound economicsand perfectly all right

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

King of Prussia.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who...

Wisdom of the Ages: “Government” Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

I heard this story once,” she said, “where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin’ stuff about the universe and everythin’ from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and...

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Yeah, I enjoy musical chairs. My furniture is deaf, so it gets rather interesting.

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

The common man prays, ‘I want a cookie right now!’ And God responds, ‘If you’d listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.

If your kids are the generation Y there are only two things you parents are worried about..What your daughters are uploading on the internet and what your sons are downloading from the internet