If anger were mileage, I’d be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

YOU FEAR TO DIE?”It’s not that I don’t want… I mean, I’ve always…it’s just that life is a habit that’s hard to break…

North is a powerful man, and you’re still connected to him.” Flo frowned. “Probably sexual memory, those Capricorns are insatiable. Well, you know. Sea Goat. And of course, you’re a Fish. You’ll end up back...

We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?

Bon appétit.

While you’ve been gadding about the countryside, we’ve held a meeting, and we’ve all of us decided that you must go.’In short, we’ve voted you out of the family,’ Daffy said. ‘It was unanimous.

The young man who stood there was the handsomest mad Rand had ever seen, almost too handsome for masculinity.

Kid, I’ve only known you two days and I’ve seen you plastered three times.” He shook his head. “A bar would not be a good career move for you.

Boats should be shaped more like shoes. Better for dancing. The only thing I’m better at than dancing is making love, and grandmas all over Memphis say they haven’t seen moves like mine since after...

I mopped up my moped off the street, and drove home on the unicycle below my handlebar mustache, while I thought about the path love might take now.

The cup was empty, but I didn’t drink it because nothing is impossible to drink. So instead, I drank nothing. Nothing is impossible to drink, except nothing.

New Rule: Apple’s next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring....

Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.

In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?

I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

Yes…and I’m worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you’ll wind up making out with him too.””Don’t be sexist. They could find me a female instructor.””In that case,...

The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can’t have more than one king, and tradition demands that there...

As children’, wrote Alice Raikes (Mrs. Wilson Fox) in The Times, January 22, 1932, ‘we lived in Onslow Square and used to play in the garden behind the houses. Charles Dodgson used to stay with...

When the management iceberg is shaped like a huge phallus, you know that there are a lot of tossers that the top penguin has had to climb over to reach the tip and that there...

Riza: Without his Alchemy he’s just…Jean: A little brat who swears a lotMaes: An arrogant pipsqueakRoy: Useless. Just uselessAlphonse: Sorry big brother, I don’t know how to add to that…Ed *starts to cry*: YOU’RE ALL...

He didn’t fail to disappoint. He always succeeds at failing.

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

The reason God never fails is because he fears to fail

(About a cookbook…)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor…but they ends up Tarts.

I wondered what he would have thought if he’d known that I’d gleaned most of my information from reading historical romance novels.

We made love like two shy people who acted like we’ve never acted in front of a camera before. Aside from the lead actor, I was also the producer, director, cameraman, and financier.

Welcome to Pantsland. Have a seat. Empty your pockets of masturbation and throw away your love of self-love.

And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid,...

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it’s inconvenient for you.

Your boss loves your ideas … it’s you he doesn’t care about.

Easy. Peasy

The two coolest names would be Stewart Stuart, and Stuart Stewart. For a woman, it would make normal sex feel like a threesome.

Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

Well, you’re going to—on endless repeat until you start talking.

I don’t just watch TV all day long. I also listen.

You understand Teacher, don’t you, that when you have a mother who’s an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then...

People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer, such as “Is this the laundry?” “How do you spell surreptitious?” and, on a regular...

Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.

There is wisdom in turning as often as possible from the familiar to the unfamiliar: it keeps the mind nimble, it kills prejudice, and it fosters humor.

I’m too short to be strong!

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast.

Real estate is the best investment on earth, however, when the music stops playing, which happens occasionally, don’t be the one left without a chair.

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.