How much do you remember?

I’m fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don’t really care.

I think you’re crazy good at this survival stuff, Cary.”His shoulders sag. He gives me a small, relieved smile and we start walking again, his step a little lighter than it was before. It feels...

So.” [Isobel] cleared her throat. “What are we doing?””We,” [Varen] said at last, “are doing a project on Poe.””Didn’t he marry his cousin or something?””The man is a literary god and that’s all you have...

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

Motormouth: So this is love? Well, love is a gift and a lot of people forget that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lot of ugly coming your way on a never...

He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

I do not,” I felt oddly appalled by her statement. “I’m an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

And then there’s the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office or while waiting outside my first-graders’ classrooms at the end of the school...

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

It’d Be a Lot Cooler If You Did.

I had a dream about you. People didn’t understand our relationship. You were a birdwatcher, and I was a pair of binoculars. You may not have loved me, but your love passed through me, and...

Are you okay? You seem …soggy.””Soggy?””Yes.” Heather nodded. “Like you’re a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.

Ish #109 “If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You’ll get there quicker.

Ultimately, that question can only be answered by you.

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn’t his first, and wouldn’t be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he...

I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment.

What’s my second option?

I’ve learned to not let rejection bother me. How can it bother me, when all the people who’ve rejected me have been murdered, and their bodies smartly disposed of?

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted...

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

I couldn’t help thinkin’ if she was as far out o’ town as she was out o’ tune, she wouldn’t get back in a day.

She ought to be thrilled.

I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.

Flutters awakened inside her as he fitted his hands at her waist. “What if I don’t like it? What if I want you to stop?””You’ll have a safe word. The second you say it, I’ll...

She forgot my name, so either I’m not important or she has amnesia. I wonder how long she’s suffered from dementia.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

Decide the type of person you want to be, and when others aren’t looking, unique up on them.

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has to make money the hard way—by producing a good or service that others...

There is nothing so capital as a cup of tea for settling the Disheveled Nerves of Fair Ladies.

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week...

There is a distressing but not uncommon condition of presidents and other world leaders known as Worrying about Africa. It is usually picked up overseas as at summit meeting on world poverty or disease, and...

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

The world is drowning in weirdness and lies……and here we are, so used to it that we’re actually bored!

Poor innocent little lambie,” God said, shaking his head. “Telion. I made you people in My Image. I swear, and drink, and have sex. I even burp and fart, but I damn sure don’t snore....

He had sky eyes and sun hair and all the women loved him. And all I had was an empty coffee cup, full of sleepy hope.

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

I love you more, dumb ass.

You want useless, you have come to the right guy. I can be useless for hours at a time. Weeks even. I’m currently closing in on a month of being totally useless, which is by...