The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

8:58 We go to McDonald’s. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT’S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS’S MENU,...

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

I’ll drive like my grandma. I’ll drive like your grandma.””You wouldn’t say that if you knew my gramma.

The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite...

Everything you swallow will kill you, some faster than others. Swallow your pride, and you’ll love a long time.

I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

It was funny how none of her classes in library science has prepared her for this sort of thing, dead bodies, staff under suspicion, crazed reporters. Really, they needed to consider expanding the curriculum.

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which are forgotten the next day. A pal never forgives, he just forgets, and a woman...

I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

There is nothing more tedious about interviewing politicians. It would have been better if I’d been sent to cover some crime or another. Murderers are much more real.

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

You have a travel vibrator, so I assume you call this one your house vibrator. Store one in your dashboard for a car vibrator too? What about your desk at work? And do they each...

… a metaphor … is like lying but more decorative.

It’s always seemed a little preposterous that Hamlet, for all his paralyzing doubt about everything, never once doubts the reality of the ghost. Never questions his own madness might not in fact be unfeigned.

To me, a good friend is one who doesn’t talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays,...

I can write about all of these bizarre and funny characters in my book, “Diggin’ Elroy,” because I know them better than anyone else. I have a little bit of all of them in me.

I’ve always known I was gay, but it wasn’t confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND...

I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still...

Heaven has no taste. Now—and not one single sushi restaurant. A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

I should get 365 different t-shirts made up, each a slightly different color than the last, forming a gradient from green to blue. Then I should take a daily picture, and move down the color...

Get real. They’ll try to kill us no matter what. I can find out how to open the files from Mickey. You may be impressed with this genius shit but you should really find out...

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.

Ree”) kept the café in fabulous baked goods, talked authoritatively about subjects from Aliens to Zork, and drew the attentions of countless lovelorn geeks.

Yes, she’d made a mistake… but she wasn’t going to be bullied. You couldn’t let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people’s watercolors.

I’m still trying to figure out the secret relationship between the woman and the mall!

Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels.

[Will Turner] “You didn’t beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement.”[Captain Jack Sparrow] “…that’s not much incentive for me to fight fair then is it?

Cereal face,” and I took it while eating Cocoa Puffs.

I just want to fuck my baby! I’m your baby! Will you be my baby? Baby? Baby?” For one thing, he couldn’t decide whether he was the baby or the daddy. Make up your mind,...

The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I’m not sure about the turnip.

I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can’t eat thank, so I know my stomach isn’t full of thank. I can’t smell or breathe thank, so I know...

I am the Mountain Climber of Love. I should mention that I’m deathly afraid of heights.

What if nobody showed up at Armageddon?

I thought I was in love, but it was only a head cold.” (Humans)

I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.

Try saying this: ‘What’s true for me today is that I have angry feelings concerning what I heard you say when you said what you said. It reminds me of what my mother said when...

‘Luck is my middle name,’ said Rincewind, indistinctly. ‘Mind you, my first name is Bad.’

In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.

I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.