A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

Whole trees are good fishing nets. I fish like I farm.

They don’t hardly make ’em like him any more – but just to be on thesafe side, he should be castrated anyway.

She even tried the one which every romantic nerve in her body insisted should work, which consisted of theatrically giving up, sitting down, and letting her glance fall naturally on a patch of earth which,...

It isn’t often that Aunt Dahlia lets her angry passions rise, but when she does, strong men climb trees and pull them up after them.

I don’t know it is that I always feel that other people can create things but that I can’t. I imagine it’s simpler living in remote tribes or communities where one is obliged to have...

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.

Merrill Krause – “My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.”Granny Lassiter – “Well, if a man can’t stand up to those brothers of yours, you...

I’m a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

Making love is second to none. My masturbating habits are first to none.

A hug a day keeps the bad boys away.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

Yelling doesn’t get your point across, it only makes it louder.

In my experience, what every true artist wants, really wants, is to be paid.

I mean, d’you know what eternity is? There’s this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there’s this little bird-“”What little bird?” said Aziraphale suspiciously.”This...

What if two people want to be your partner, then what?

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn’t hate people who watched or played them.

I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove.

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe.

And now that they have us here, under their control, they’ve dropped whatever act they had on earth. We’re seeing them as they really are.’ He dipped his glove into the water and watched as...

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

Wait.” Walter went to the basket, taking what was a gray sleeve, drawing it out fro the middle of the heap. “Oh,” He said. He held the shapeless wool sweater to his chest. Joyce had...

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.

I dislike the idea of a murderer employing children,’ said Holmes darkly. ‘It is, I agree, bad for their morals, and interferes with their sleep.’ ‘And their schooling,’ added Holmes sententiously.

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

There goes the world’s wimpiest vampire.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

Riley : “Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on.”Mercy: “Sorry, I don’t beat defenseless puppies.

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

The boss is never your friend, even if you’re sleeping with him.

The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.

Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks).

I come from a long line of miserable people.

The abbot cleared his throat. “You are all very stupid people,” he told them graciously, “and you do not know anything at all.

You know where I keep the gold coin.” As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father’s study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn’t...

As a general rule. it’s a comfort issue, literally and metaphorically. And intimacy issue. It’s a big step, putting on foreign underwear. Like betrayal, or emigration.

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

Anthony looked down at his evil clutches — hands, he reminded himself, hands — and grinned anew.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that’s the truth.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.