There is never another one of you in exactly the same spot you are in right now, so give yourself a break and release blame from the past so you can be free to move...

I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved. I’m so bloody needy.

Lucy: I don’t feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.James: You say that like I should be concerned about...

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much–all of it wrong.

I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.

I’d often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I’d usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men’s room in an effort...

I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best second-time dinner I’ve ever had a first time. Oh, I had it before,...

All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets...

Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.

There is an old saying, or should be, that it is a wise economist who recognizes the scope of his own generalizations.

Stefan spat. “Oh, aye, he fell. O’ course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li’l tyke didn’t have a chance.

I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.

Time isn’t an orderly stream. Time isn’t a placid lake recording each of our ripples. Time is viscous. Time is a massive flow. It is a self-healing substance, which is to say, almost everything will...

My alarm went off. My sleep went on. Dreaming about coffee is not the same as drinking down coffee.

Apres moi le wreckage

I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as...

Fuck. You. It’s foot… Yeah, it’s you.

I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did...

Your book is nonsense.

I’m stubborn not stupid. There’s a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they’re right when they’re wrong. Stubborn people know they’re wrong but won’t admit it.

The most popular labor saving device is still money.

F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my...

And every writer cherishes the dream of setting the young on fire, even if only by a cigarette butt tossed casually over the shoulder, and when we meet young people who say that they were...

Reading isn’t quite loud, but it’s quiet and loud—quiet on the outside, loud on the inside. Sort of like a mime orgy.

Well, I’d have more zing with George Clooney and Harrison Ford in a threesome, but neither of us are going to get that wish.

My plan to live from 65 to forever is to simply keep showing up. I also don’t want to retire at the same age as a road’s speed limit—unless that speed limit is 35. Live...

I’m sorry ma’am, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of Pretty Pretty Princess syndrome. Have you ingested any magical woodland faeries recently?

You can fuck your math teacher but you can’t fuck math.

Being a detective isn’t all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant…The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

Simon’s brain tried to comprehend the situation. ‘Was an international supermodel really holding Doc Gutson, leader of the infamous Bloodworth Gang, captive?

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn’t a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I’d picked up common sense.

I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the guy who built that bridge.

We do have a highly-advanced biological device called the Illuminator,” Joseph chimed in

If chance be the Father of all flesh, Disaster is his rainbow in the sky, And when you hear State of Emergency! Sniper Kills Ten! Troops on Rampage! Whites go Looting! Bomb Blasts School! It...

Corrival looked around. ‘So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.”Me?’ Ravel asked. ‘Why do I have to start...

I completely forgot; Santa said something more.He said that a book gives your very thoughts wings,That carry you off to see wonderful things,That lift you aloft, throughout time, throughout spaceTo every era and every place!

People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs,” I said. “We have a protractor.

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play thefool no where but in’s own house.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.

Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.