‘Luck is my middle name,’ said Rincewind, indistinctly. ‘Mind you, my first name is Bad.’

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

In Jacksonville, people respect people. Rodney Dangerfield would have loved it here.

New Rule: It’s okay for the president to play ball in the house. It’s easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House–until you consider the end zone is...

Nick spoke for the first time. “Can I go to the nurse’s office too?” Ms. Popplewell looked at him It obviously took her only one look to decide. “No.””I’m traumatized too,” Nick claimed, his voice...

In all, his outfit required nearly two thousand man-years of research and development, eight barrels of oil, and sixteen patent and trademark infringement lawsuits. All so he could possess casual style. A style that, in...

It’s because his wife left him. That’s why he’s acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to...

Who knows how to make love stay?1. Tell love you are going to Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will...

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.

I Believe in Bonnie and Clyde the sign read. Finn read it again, and then again, not sure what to make of it. Then he looked at Bonnie and shrugged. “So?” … “So?” she hissed....

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

I was quite a looker in my time,” she said. Was she reading his mind, or only being smart, to know she must be hideous?”Oh, had they invented time as long ago as that?

Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something

There are 2,500 kinds of sponges, all of them consist largely of holes.

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That’s one fifth of my erection.

Adamant,” Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. “We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.””Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer,” Newel speculated. “Too much money,...

She washed he hands,then looked at my side. “you haven’t even had it stitched?” She said incredulously.”I’ve been rather busy,” I said. “With the running like hell and hiding all night.

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

She’s under duress,” Peaseblossom said.”I don’t care if she’s under duress, over it, or alongside it,” Moth said. “Nothing in this world supersedes cake.

In high school I used to sing in the shower. None of the football players liked it, because they were all naked and I was in a tuxedo.

I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.

Forget art. Put your trust in ice cream.

Proper handling of a horse like this is no simple matter. He was trained to race, from birth. Not only to race, but to be the best. Once a champion, he was spoiled with attention...

Finding a proper husband is rather like selecting a hound. They all have more bark than bite, my girl. One day you’ll look across the breakfast table and realize the only option is obedience training....

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.

The “Wet Tongue Gets Stuck To A Frozen Flagpole” attack!

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts.

Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. “Why is it when everyone thinks they’re on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?”Jayne shrugged and replied, “Because that’s where he likes...

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

S-U-C-I-D-EDo You want to end everything with only six alphabets?

If I get famous, I’d seek employment in a wax museum—as a candle. If you fire me, make sure you blow me out before singing Happy Birthday.

I make love like Brett Favre threw his first pass as a Green Bay Packer—to himself. Obviously, himself is myself.

To me, nudity is a joke. I don’t think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be...

There ARE people who won’t customarily eat an entire row of cookies, or hear food calling their name from other rooms, or who don’t grind up food in the garbage disposal for fear of eating...

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

You take a dick and you get it wet and then you put it someplace tight—

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they...

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

Fuck. I knew it,” she whispered.

There are no mirrors of any kind in here. If there were, I’d want to smash them, but I wouldn’t. Instead, I’d probably just stare at them, giving myself negative affirmations.

The Mile High City has mile-high expectations. That’s 5,280 feet, you know. That’s five millipedes and 2.8 centipedes for all you lovers out there.

The door is shut?

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

Sexy isn’t my middle name. Lust-factory is, with the hyphen.

fine” has like seventy meanings and depending on voice inflexion can actually mean ‘If I’m questioned again I’ll stab you in your sleep’.

I sent a quick text to Adrian: I have a hickey! You can’t ever kiss me again. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be awake this early, so I was surprised to get a response:...

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...