I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

But…he’s a demon. Isn’t that sort of the main category of Things to Smite?

You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church?

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

Bhutan does seem a bit unreal at times. Hardly anybody in the U.S. knows where it is. I have friends who still think the entire country is a figment of my imagination. When I was...

I don’t see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter,” I informed him.

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

I felt very close to God…. My friends say that’s because I was always on my knees.

As special as it is to listen to your friends argue over whether or not you have a mental illness,I’m starting to get the urge to go back to class.

I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest...

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.

Or just one with a boner.

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first...

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

That could be a very sexy story.

I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.

I had this vision of the two of us holding hands or getting into some light petting behind shower curtains or up in the fencing aisle or some shit.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.

Oh! to shoot for the stars if feels right. Aim for my heart if it feels right.

I had a dream I was able to fly now I have chained my bead to the ground. I like walking dreams better.

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

To the stupidity of men, ” Dakota said, raising a glass. “And my brother, who is their king.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people...

All Bach’s last movements are like the running of a sewing machine. (on Bach)

Hey, dude, it’s me. I brought you all four Bloodsport movies. Open up!” Jason’s voice filtered past the front door, and he and Violet flew apart like teenagers at a party raid. No way. This...

Check the couch cushions for change—and hope. I drink my coffee raw, straight out of the ketchup bottle.

Of course. My second-favorite thing to do in bed.

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...

I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge

No matter what argument you make against evolution, the response is Well, you know, it’s possible to believe in evolution and believe in God. Yes, and it’s possible to believe in Spiderman and believe in...

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that’s logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.

Sure, I liked girls but I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we were arguing or I was calling them stupidos, which was one of my favorite words that year.

Is Lisa going to the prom?’I shelved my worries for the moment. ‘I don’t know, Mom. We don’t talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.’You could go together, if you didn’t want to mess...

A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious. Some of my thoughts can be quite windy, gusts with gusto, like a...

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks,” chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.

Dignity is overrated. You know what trumps dignity? Kissing.

If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn’t stop sending me these notification emails…how many times do I have to turn them off?

Here’s the thing – in this damned century, you’ll meet a lot of people who do a lot of things. What’s funny is the fact that the most desirable attributes of these people are nothing...

You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.