I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

How do I know you’ll keep your word?” asked Coraline.”I swear it,” said the other mother. “I swear it on my own mother’s grave.””Does she have a grave?” asked Coraline.”Oh yes,” said the other mother....

Ah ha!’ the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ”The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

You’re such an optimist Kane — that’s your problem. You only end up disappointed.

Headline?” he asked.”‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.”‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.”‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said.

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

I leveled the gun and fired until it was empty.

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he’s engineered to be dense about many things, but he’s not stupid.

I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right...

Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?””I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.

The space is appropriately shoe-boxy and all the shelves are there. I’ve set them up with a coordinate system, so my program can find aisle 3, shelf 13 all by itself. Simulated light from the...

Some are born old maids, some achieve old maidenhood, and some have old maidenhood thrust upon them ,” parodied Miss Lavendar whimsically.

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only smaller. In keeping with the frugal and Puritanical mindset, they even share the...

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking – Ya’ll Come Back, Danki.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

So it’s true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.””If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know.

Your function as a critic is to show that it is really you yourself who should have written the book, if you had had the time, and since you hadn’t you are glad that someone...

It’s only hard until it becomes easy.

A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.

I use two toothbrushes. One is for my anus, though I can never remember which one. Both toothbrushes belong to my mother-in-law, so I’m incentivized to be forgetful.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn’t be! – Governor Dewar

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.

More than your circulatory system?”Eve silently kicked off the stilettos and backed up.

I watched a lot of YouTube videos of cute geeky girls playing ’80s cover tunes on ukuleles. Technically, this wasn’t part of my research, but I had a serious cute-geeky-girls-playing-ukuleles fetish that I can neither...

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.

I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and I bet I did, because she went home with another man—but she was...

Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty.He could picture himself a very happy man at that table.”Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?”...

We made love for 8 seconds. She rode me like a bull.

I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials,” said Will. “And I do wish she wouldn’t sing about poisoning just after we’ve eaten.

He grinned, and right then it occurred to him that he hadn’t enjoyed himself so much with a woman in a very long time. If Annabelle Granger were a few inches taller, a hell of...

I don’t know but it’s nice to sound optimistic, wouldn’t you agree.

Five minutes ago. And where is my cashier? Watching goats mate on the computer?

For the record, I do have genitals; and they are functional and aesthetically pleasing.

—Simplemente no te agrada Ash.—No es que me desagrade. —Dee se salió fuera de la cama y se disparó por la habitación, apareciendo al lado de su ventana—. Simplemente creo que es una perra.Dawson se...