I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons...

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious...

yes” in eyes. Except when I blink. Blinking is definitely a no action.

Claiming “the budget can’t allow it” reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o’clock and they say “the kitchen is closed.” For years I would hear this,...

My only regret is that I don’t have more to regret.

That woman doesn’t have the sense God gave a retarded flea.

I’m not a lawyer, but I took the case. How could I resist? The case was full of cash and just sitting there.

During the act of making something, I experience a kind of blissful absence of the self and a loss of time. When I am done, I return to both feeling as restored as if I...

An as-yet-unpublished poet in Boulder, Colorado, once said to me that anything worth doing was worth doing badly. I may seem, in the foregoing sketchy pages, to have followed her advice rather too well.

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine up against a...

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I’m just saying.” – Warren

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Even for the most excitable preacher, there was nothing inherently sinful about a waffle.

I gave her all my love, because it was cheaper than giving her all my money. Now I’m in debt, and now I’m in debt. She had too much interest in me.

Best Interpretive Dance” for my adaptation of Joyce’s Ulysses into crunk. That’s cool and all, but you should see my Dostoevsky.

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it’s not the work they’re supposed to be doing.

My ego is crying out to be heard. Like a kidnap victim.

What – what – what are you doing?” he demanded.”I am almost six hundred years old,” Magnus claimed, and Ragnor snorted, since Magnus changed his age to suit himself every few weeks. Magnus swept on....

Percy’s thoughts: I don’t recommend shadow travel if your scared of:A) The darkB) Cold shivers up your spineC) Strange noisesD) Going so fast you feel like your is peeling offIn other words I thought it...

Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

I put a bowling ball in a football helmet, because safety first. I got a score the bowling alley had never seen before. The didn’t see it because it was an invisible 0.

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and...

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

You’re a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.””Nonsense,” he said. “You just have to promise me that I won’t have to do a thing, and then I’ll do anything you want.””Anything?””Anything that doesn’t require...

Where’s the dam water fountain I’m thirsty?

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

You can thank Henry Ford for that. He was a warlock, you know.

people don’t generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

He smiled. “I suppose I thought we’d have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair’s-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding...

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

I am,” he rumbled sexily, like a waterfall that’s had a dam collapse upstream and is about to flood and destroy the village of peasants further downstream…many of whom are poor and in desperate need...

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

This is no time for drinking a mug of water – which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don’t drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on...

Eli Willard just looked at her for a long moment, and then he announced, ‘Lady of the Lake strikes iceberg in mid-Atlantic; 215 drown. New York City fire destroys 700 buildings. Japanese earthquake kills 12,000....

Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.

But from the start I had withheld from him any information about the giant redwoods. It seemed to me that a Long Island poodle who had made his devoirs to Sequoia sempervirens or Sequoia gigantea...

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

what we think” I mean the answer that comes to our mind first, seems most logical and requires the least amount of effort to articulate, while getting us in the least amount of trouble. Really...

That’s your mom, right?” Pathik smiled. “She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

The Road to Hell is Paved With Bad Intentions

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.