I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

Presque tous les hommes meurent de leurs remèdes, et non pas de leurs maladies.

Go ahead and laugh at Detroit. Because you are laughing at yourself.

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

BOTTOMThere are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself; which the ladiescannot abide. How answer you that?SNOUTBy’r lakin, a parlous fear.STARVELINGI...

We pass Tinsley’s Fried Chicken with the big sign that reads, TRY OUR BIG, JUICY BREASTS.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

I don’t argue with fools; I educate.

At some point, our lips met and it was perhaps the most wonderful thing I’d ever experienced. And truly, I guess there wasn’t just one kiss, but several. A polite frenzy. A mass migration of...

I mean you ACRES of harm,’ Dalrymple growled. ‘Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.

There also wasn’t one single bit of grass or dirt outside the airport. Even the median strip was a concrete sidewalk. Where did Atlanta’s pet travelers pee? Maybe city dogs just learned to use the...

The greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.

I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad,...

It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

It may be prodigious, but it’s all Greek to me!

It’s astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex – trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can’t imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed...

I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether romance, mystery, or horror, nobody suspects the flowers.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it’s always just my luck to get one perfect rose.

Never borrow trouble, the payback’s a bitch

It’s lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.””Don’t be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it’s a gigantic cake-

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An...

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half...

He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

I have learned that particularly clever ideas do not always stand up under close scrutiny.

I’ve never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.

Forget UNIX – it will be gone in 5 years.

Hate.

The best present is wrapped in fur. And when you shake the package, it meows. Give the gift of love, before it runs away and gets run over.

I long to belong like a midget longs to be long. Footlong hotdogs are 12 inches too short to take seriously, and I vote with my wallet. Sadly, there are no refunds in politics.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

I’ve never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It’s only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the...

Moths,” repeats Will. “You’re afraid of moths?” “Not just a cloud of moths,” she says, “like…a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and…” She shudders and shakes her head.”Terrifying,” Will says with...

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

I’m on a shoestring budget, which means I don’t have any extra money to buy the surrounding shoes to even lace up.

{Calpurnia)”My mother…she’s desperate for a daughter she can dress like a porcelain doll. Sadly, I shall never be such a child. How I long for my sister to come out and distract the countess from...

I love it–I just love it.

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

She has so much junk in her trunk. Boy, I wish she’d just drop it all off at Goodwill.

Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary