That woman needs protecting like Rambo needs a bodyguard.

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.

Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.

Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said. “You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the...

Gee, thanks,” Jayden crossed his arms and frowned.

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

I had a dream last night I was awake through the pregnancy but I fell asleep at birth when I awoke I was Pinocchio and stuck inside a tree, does that mean I don’t have...

Better broke than dead.

Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside. “I fry mine in butter!” indeed.

By all accounts Rafe’s life had been shattered by the loss of his brother Peter. But whereas she turned away from drink when Draven died, Rafe had simply upended a barrel of brandy on his...

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

…ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after, but girls can take care of themselves.

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.

Happy are those who expect nothing; they won’t be disappointed

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?

If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

You must overcome failure to succeed, and champions know how to lose. That’s why I don’t need to win to know that I’m a champion.

These werewolves and the gwrgi are not like the American breed of werewolf. They are not part timers. They do not spend the one, full moon, night in every twenty eight as a wolf or...

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked it made it feel like the ocean. Ah, but that’s life, no?

His mother?” Gracie couldn’t believe it. Suzy Denton looked much too young to be his mother. And much too respectable. “But you’re not a-” She cut herself off in mid-sentence as she realized what she’d...

I’m turning into a Ho

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.

I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild...

In case we become candles, I want to have a nice pose

What ho!” I said.”What ho!” said Motty.”What ho! What ho!””What ho! What ho! What ho!”After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.

I don’t need a blanket. I need your naked body on top of me.

Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don’t go looking for sex along the interstate.

You know you’re about as forthcoming as a mime.

The Duke of Dunstable had one-way pockets. He would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan out of tuppence.

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

But the main reason you should read this is that I don’t see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free.

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to...