My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn’t be enough to go around.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

No, I believe in the good will of the United States’ administration.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

When there were no customers, he thought about geometry. He tried to perform the Pythagorean Theorem on the light fixture above him, given his estimate of its circumference, but he failed. He wanted to be...

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their...

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do...

The same beautiful receptionist greeted Christian who had met him before and she extended the same lush invitation as she had the last time. Victoria’s eyes narrowed and Christian chuckled under his breath at her...

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

Don’t go to the circus.

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

… an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.

I hear that all too often.

He could do with some lunch. Especially since that bastard Sloane gave his Cheesy Doodles away. What kind of guy does that? A bastard, that’s who. Did he not respect the male code of honor—thou...

I shot a deaf man. And just to be sure, I used a silencer.

Most people are idiots

I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist

Tambua vitu vya muhimu katika maisha yako ijapokuwa unaweza kuacha alama katika dunia bila kujitambua baada ya kuondoka.

You try almost dying, being chased, thenhopping in a car with a complete (horny)stranger.

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to...

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

Poetry destroyed? Genius banished? No! Mediocrity, no: do not let envy prompt you to the thought. No; they not only live, but reign, and redeem: and without their divine influence spread everywhere, you would be...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you’re told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other “official spokesmen” for the team-owners who provide the free booze...

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone’s face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and...

It was kind of funny to me. When you come to an opposing team’s ballpark and something happens that may have not gone their way, they’ll let you know about it. He thought it was...

A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.

I’m a little bit naked, but that’s okay.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

Who gets briefed is what gets briefed

We weren’t really friends yet, just knowers of each other’s secret stuff.

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

If I see somebody visually challenged, I won’t purposefully focus in on them unless they call me names, and then I’ll call them back.

A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!” he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena’s small ugly face.” – Rhett Butler

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

You Sure this is it?” I said. “It looks empty.””Empty? No way, there’s loads of shit in there,” worm replied

…which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.

A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone will want to splash ink on it and try to impregnate the minds...

I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets

Instead of finding himself in nerd heaven—where every nerd gets fifty-eight virgins to role-play with—he woke up in Robert Wood Johnson with two broken legs and a separated shoulder, feeling like, well, he’d jumped off...

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

For a while. Minus the singing.

Tis but a scratch”A scratch?! Your arm’s off!”No, it isn’t.