Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

Oh, I’m good. Seriously, after all these years, you’d think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Let’s start a new family.

That’s your truck parked up by the factory isn’t it?” Magnus pointed. “It’s awfully butch for a bookseller.

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

A man’s mind is like his car. If it gets to knocking too much, he’d better have it overhauled or change it.

I eat toast and ice—because bread and water just aren’t enough for me. I’m also an insatiable lover.

girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

Yeah? Well, if there’s anything worse than a whore it’s a bore.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I pee in the sink, so I can save time by washing my hands at the same time that I am urinating. I’ll bet you’re wondering where my favorite place to make love is.

Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Sir,” returned Mrs. Sparsit, ” I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I...

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

And I sort of felt her…you know.” Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart. “You touched her heart?” Mike queried. “No! Her bum. It’s sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart.”He flexed his...

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla’s on the loose! Get up!

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. – Calvin

I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the traditional culture, are thought highly educated and who have with considerable gusto been expressing their incredulity at...

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

All men are equal before fish.

This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone...

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

Ready?” Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.”How about we start with a...

Sikujui. Lakini naamini hungependa kuishi maisha yako hapa duniani bila kuacha urithi au kumbukumbu ya aina yoyote katika jamii.

I am who I say I am,I’m not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am...

As a conservative, while I oppose the invasion of privacy, I fully support the privatization of that invasion.

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

I cook better than you,” Nick corrected absently. “I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.””I’d like to have a monkey that cooked for me,” said Jamie. ” I would pay...

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease...

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

He wanted a faery. More than anything else in the world. He had already imagined exactly how it should happen. He would set up the invitation, and the next day there would be a petal-winged...

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.

Analysis is soul of thought and ghost of wit.

Well… you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy...

What were you thinking?” I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. “Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?”Adrian grinned. “Nah. They...

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard…

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me arefurious!

I’d like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts” -Warm Bodies

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the war.[Apology to the international anti-submarine committee for being absent from several meetings during...