He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip. “And what about...

He met her because I didn’t show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where’s my monument to...

I couldn’t go back to my apartment. I was forever estranged from my place of habit – the carpet I would ash my cigarettes on, the gin bathtub where I would soak to keep my...

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: “I want a spiritual teacher.

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent with our kind of life. But essentially the same laws and constants are...

Love makes the world go round. Too bad love doesn’t make the world go other shapes, like tetrahedron.

I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

I reach up and pat them both on the head. “Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you’d be kissing him every chance you had, too.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and...

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.

The doctor’s wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.

You’re not celibate, then?” I breathe. Amusement lights up his eyes.”No, Anastasia, I’m not celibate.

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian’s Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression of Meddling with other People’s Business.

She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. “This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?””Of course.” he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

JOSH!” she screeched, accidentally letting loose a snap of electricity.

Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

I’m a born-again atheist.

Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!’ he screamed.’So that’s Sara,’ I said.’Yes.”She seems nice.

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote “Please stop can’t breathe” in the dirt with her...

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon–You deserve to be taken out of circulation!

A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I kept telling them, I didn’t steal a person—I kidnapped a mannequin. Is that...

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn’t work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.””David, I think you just made a joke.”He frowned, utterly...

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

Damn, Ian was already there. I braced myself as he came out from behind the RV. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling. Then he looked over me and my blonde captive, grinning.”Managed to squeeze in a...

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

I’m jealous of your hooks,” Kevin replied. “Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands.”Don’t be ridiculous,” one of the white-faced women replied. “Having a white face is worse than both of...

The common man prays, ‘I want a cookie right now!’ And God responds, ‘If you’d listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him. Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now’s not the time to come up...

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

Lief. That’s not nice, considering all your sister has done for you,” admonished Perl.”Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and...

When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can’t be so, you don’t get demons our side of the river, the guards won’t let...

Hey! When he dug into it, rifling through her things, she snapped, “Go Yoda someone else’s supplies, asshole.

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

Wisdom of the Ages: “The Pope and Congress” It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.