He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].

Secret 9791422.1. If it can’t end well, don’t end it.

You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones.

She didn’t sound overjoyed. She didn’t sound even slightly joyed.

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails...

If knowledge is but sorrow’s spy, it proves a double agent by and by.

Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.

I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me.

No…they’re…not hot.

How can it be a CIA client state when CIA is paying for it?

I remember the second time I took Agatha out. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, and she wanted to go to Burger King. In the end we settled for wieners and clams at Johnny...

She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I’m no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I’m pretty sure that’s flirting.

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

I don’t know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

Wow. What’d he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn’t set the building on fire in the first place.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

Wow! This was one advanced society.”

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a...

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

I hate you, too.

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

When you’re writing these things, you’re in a room making each other laugh, you really have very little sense of political correctness or incorrectness. This is a question that Europe tends to ask and America...

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?

Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still...

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up.”You got lucky,” I said. “I’m about to get lucky.

Just because I’m insane doesn’t mean I have to act all crazy.

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.