Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… Well, it’s killing me!

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. “Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let’em go. If they don’t come back, hunt’em down and kill’em!

…I was shocked and astonished when a daring little girl — a cousin I think — having waited under a group of trees in the avenue, where she knew [my grandfather] would pass near four...

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

And so that means…””We have to rob the Henley,” Simon said.Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. “Again.

The show I did in England catered to a broad range of people. I like that. I don’t want nouveau cult status, though I know we’ve got that sort of audience in the states.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

Often stereotypically sandwiched between empty nest syndrome and retirement, rhinoplasty is actually a fluid phase that can occur before, after, or concurrently with any other life stage.

So…Now that we got that over with, let’s get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight…Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know...

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

Life is like butter – when things cool down it can be reshaped

I wasn’t afraid of your average dark alley. I had standard Agency-issue spells in my coat and a nine millimeter in my purse for dealing with the less dangerous pests, but even I knew you...

You were at the party on Friday night, weren’t you?” I didn’t mentioned I’d followed him into the woods.He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of...

I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!!

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

There is nobody as hopelessly vulgar as a British aristocrat…

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.

Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it...

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it cheaper.

If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.

Just . . . eat your Brooke Burger. Stop asking so many questions. Sometimes a guy just wants to buy a girl lunch. Any objections to that? Good. Enjoy your Sunday, Ms. Parker.”He strode out...

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

I’M SCOTTISH!

You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

And from now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die — I’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong.

He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. “You’re so hot,” I said, my hand still on his leg. “I’m starting to think you have an amputee fetish,” he answered, still kissing me. I...

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

I said, I ain’t buyin’ no chocolate covered cherries.” “Oh, come on. You know you want to.”D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. “I do not either want to,...

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Love is relentless, and so am I 😉

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

Hey,’ he said, touching my waist. ‘Hey. It’s okay.’ I nodded and wiped my face with the back of my hand. ‘He sucks.’ I nodded again. ‘I’ll write you an epilogue,’ Gus said. That made...

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.

You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major...

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

God might have been either drunk or naughty when he was creating women.