The great William Shakespeare said, “What’s in a name?” He also said, “Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words ‘Monty Python’ to me. It’s not bad.

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did...

Yes, fuck Christina. I think she’d like that.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

My gun turned back into a pumpkin.

Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.

Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn’t.

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on...

Secret 9.6. When writing a contact report, the term ‘intense vocalization’ should be used in place of words like ‘moan,’ ‘pant’ and ‘sigh.

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.

Executive Intelligence Summary: Machine out of order. New order, on order.

Agatha had so much love she could fill a room. A room filled with strange men, which she often did. I don’t care if every single man in that room looked exactly like me, they...

There is no future. You’ll see.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

While my radar gently beeps.

I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes sense. Now if I also lived in Cheeseland (Wisconsin) it would make perfect, yummy sense.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

I wish I could play up my sexual awkwardness as autism, and insinuate myself into the realm of genius. But I’m not a genius. I’m merely a humble sex god and virtual love machine.

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That’s how you can tell I’m inexperienced? Because, if so, that’s just rude. And what were you doing at...

For our fourth date, I said I wanted Italian, and she said she wanted Chinese. We decided to compromise and meet at the movie theater after we’d both eaten.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

Through such advanced techniques like sleeping, I started exploring the depths of me. And until you find out who you are, or stop yawning, I suggest you do the same.

I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.

Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.

My dear fellow ” Said Albert, turning to Franz ” here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take...

Too bad Agatha was colorblind, because she had no idea how beautiful her eyes were. Agatha’s eyes were grey, blue, green, and brown, though never all at once and never more than two eyes at...

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist.

Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn’t answer the door. Therefore you are gay. Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn’t imagine being on the bottom.

You said she’s a senior? Babe we’re ALL crazy.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

We put a lot of work into three minutes.

Eddie Izzard is absolutely brilliant. I would love to write something for him.