In America, Prince is a dog’s name.

We’d never work, Nat. You’re too high maintenance.”We both cracked up, and right then, the darkness was kind.

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably...

I had always wanted to be on SNL, it’s not always great, but it’s this leftover childhood dream.

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

I think serial monogamy says it all.

You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to comein with you. You must let them in. Don’t allow anyone to stop them. Once...

Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make...

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

I’m a one-man idiot.

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock’s locker room bitch.

I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.

Remember every vote count’s and every two are worth a nickel

I like watching people stretch in the park. It’s my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.

Not my circus, not my monkeys (but definitely my 27 clowns piling out of a car).

I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.

Indie band names would make better song titles; indie song titles would make better band names.

Can you spell that for me? I’m colorblind.

We’re all divorced from reality – the only question is whether you’re paying alimony or receiving it.

I am the Anagram of Love. I’m not evil, but I am evol. I guess this also makes me the Palindrome of Love!

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.

It may be to die for, but is it to die and be risen again as one of the undead, doomed to wander soulless through all eternity for?

maturity,” then every single woman I’ve dated has been at least twice my yage.

For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.

meatloaf” you’ll be serving them.

Don’t show me the before and after. Show me the before before and after after.

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

Idiot,” I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. “We need to pick new pet names for each other,” he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.

Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

Dear Edmond,When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton’s Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep,...

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.

I don’t like Dijon or honey mustard. No, the only kind of mustard I like is #FFFF00 mustard.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

Probably more than any concrete vice or failing Amory despised his own personality – he loathed knowing that to-morrow and the thousand days after he would sell pompously at a compliment and sulk at an...

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

BE REALBring it on-And let truth be my existence.Value my life-And tell me like it is.Bark at me when I’m wrong-And hug me when I’m right.Praise me if I succeed-And tell me if I fail.Laugh...

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too...

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.