I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s...

Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else’s attachment and it wasn’t fair.

You couldn’t find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

what would you call this haircut?”arthur.

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot...

President wants coup in some place called ‘Canada’ someone find a map

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.

She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods. “Okay, Andrew. But let’s leave today. I’m in a hurry.””Of course. Today.” He...

I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I’ll interrogate and torture it.

I’m not going to touch her,” he said “She’s not mine.She never will be.””Indeed.” Bruiser rolled his eyes and dusted off his hat. “Definitely no years of pent-up lusting there. Glad we have that sorted.

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

Adrian, I’m on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

To me love is like a cup of soapy dishwater. Sure, I’ll drink it, but I won’t swish it around in my mouth while you try to stuff filthy silverware down my throat.

Normal” is just a setting on your dryer.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

The message of the movie is to accept who you are and not to succumb to the pressure of what the media tells you is beautiful and what you should be looking like.

Besides, my drinking blood’s not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.””I was curious!

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

SHUT UP,” Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. “This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a ‘King’ of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester...

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes and duct tape in the trunk. I tried telling you my family has...

Agatha: “If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I’ll have Reaper follow you home.”Sophie: “But then I can’t talk!

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at...

Um…is that thing tame?” Frank said.The horse whinnied angrily.”I don’t think so,” Percy guessed. “He just said, ‘I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man’.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

Hello little one. Did you know you’re on private property?””Really? I had no idea.” Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. “The ten foot fence right behind you didn’t give it away?