A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

I’ve always wanted to kill someone by stealing their sound. If you’ve got no sound, you’ve got no voice. And it’s impossible to scream with no voice. So it’s like murdering a mime, only with...

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

Graham’s life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

you think you’ve never been wrong before?”-alex”sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion....

My imagination is something of a badass.

Cameron is incredibly charming. I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels four times.

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

BARRELS!

Nothing else matters now that you love me.’ – suicide note

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

I’ve never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you’re here?

Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still...

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength...

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up.”You got lucky,” I said. “I’m about to get lucky.

Just because I’m insane doesn’t mean I have to act all crazy.

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.

Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

It’s just so much like Iraq, it’s not funny, … except for all the water, and they speak English.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!

It doesn’t matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had,...

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

I’m a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear… from my future Kids’ Funny Business.

I found her lying naked on the lawn at midnight, can I keep her?

Do you want me to carry you?

I can see how being invisible would be a good love-making strategy. It’s the ultimate fantasy—because all you can do is fantasize.

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I...

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

Music is a great energizer. It’s a language everybody knows.

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

You’re drunk as four skunks, you idiot.

The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and…”And his arm looked...

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what it’s like to be a vampire.