I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.

You,” he purred, “are a HILF.””A what?””A Horseman I’d like to fuck.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn’t easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

To be clear, I don’t care.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live…

I’m friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I’m 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Bazıları için aşkın tanımı buydu. Derslerde en arkaya otururlar. Yaz günü 40 derece sıcakta giydikleri blazer ceketleri ve ucuz popülerliğin son moda pop şarkılarını bangırdattıkları, sanayiden 100 Lira’ya temin edilmiş çakma ses sistemleriyle donatılmış, viteslerine...

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn’t help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn’t mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn’t...

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt...

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

There are some things you just don’t say…not even in a school!

I didn’t want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe...

If things do not change,in the future we may all speak spell check.

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

This isn’t the first time I’ve used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.””Who was the test subject?” asked Aurora.”I test everything out on myself before taking it into the...

I’m here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.

Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.

The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.”You are very considerate to explain it this way,’ Sugreeva said, ‘but I was drunk

All I remember is the last time I played a videogame, it was Space Invaders.

No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

Like your zodiac sign?’ Percy asked. ‘I’m a Leo.”No, stupid,’ Leo said. ‘I’m a Leo. You’re a Percy.

Right. So no plans at all then?”Jenna frowned. “Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?””Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed...

I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said.

I hate goblins.

Around about now, young John Owen comes out of the shack lugging my old musket from the War. At six years of age, our youngest boy already knew his business. Not a word, just brings...

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. ‘Nuh-uh. Mine.”Share!’ she demanded.’Man, you are one...

I ain’t never seen a creature like that before, she says. He’s so smart, he’s-More, like a person than a bird? I says.Yeah, she says. That’s it.Whatever you do, I says, don’t tell him that....

It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

Kendrick walked over to her purposefully, hauled her up into his arms and gave her a mock frown. “I hunger, wench.”Genevieve put her arms around his neck. “Well? What are you going to hunt us...

You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I’d still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You’ll hear my flattering words when you see...

We’re too different now. We want different things. And this?” I say nodding at our hands. “All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t

I was going to buy a copy of “The Power of Positive Thinking”, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.