They tend to come out a colour called ‘Pants left in wash’

And you don’t ever have to worry about what I feel. The way I feel about you won’t change. You can do whatever you like to me. You could turn this town to dust, burn...

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more...

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it’s like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up….what was once just...

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore.

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

As Confucius once said, “He who does nothing is the one who does nothing.”‘Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. ‘did Confucius really say that?’Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. ‘No,...

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.

What’s that?” he asked, when I stood beside him again.”Halos,” I said with a grin. “For heavenly creatures like us.””That might be a stretch.

If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

I cook. My favorite thing to make is love.

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.

A rich man’s joke is always funny

I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ”What did you do?” I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ”The girl who gave you the note?””Yes…””I...

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

successful” person even thinks of going to bed.

How much detention did you get?”Two weeks. One per arsehole.

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

He smiled wickedly, and my body warmed. “Girls dig bad boys.””Unfortunately, that’s true.””Is there a message, Bridge?””In your dreams,” I replied with a roll of my eyes, but it was all an act because there...

Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now.

I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.

Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

I think he was especially happy because I used to kiss this boy in the neighborhood a lot when I wasvery little, and even though the psychiatrist said it was very natural for little boys...

Don’t worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.””If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great...

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

There for a while we had a problem beating them here. It’s funny how everybody has found another thing to talk about.

Some vampires wouldn’t react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn’t recommend testing the theory.

When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now,...

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during...

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

I think I’ll hang myself under the tree that Agatha and I had our first picnic under. I’ll just have to reschedule my dentist appointment.

I’ve never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct...

Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should...

A girl can dream can’t she? My new life plan is to stumble into every office of a CEO until I find a Christian Grey.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...