What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. “Holy...

exit” which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :”No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they open leads to success

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

I haven’t met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving...

Butterfly?” Will said. “Why Butterfly?” “I believe it’s a term of great respect,” Selethen said gravely. He was very obviously not laughing. Too obviously, Will thought. “It’s all right for you,” he said. “They called...

You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautifully.”Oh, well, how nice for me.

Perv.”He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?

Daemon laughed “I’m only at the service of one person in particular”My cheeks flamed as I scooted my chair over. “You are not servicing me in any way.”He leaned in, closing my newly gained distance....

Happy Birthday.

A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. ‘What do...

If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.”Is he UNstable?”I don’t know, how can I tell? You’re the crazy whisperer!’She had a point. Claire...

I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in...

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

Well, I don’t, I’m making this up, but I bet I’m right.

My name is Matt Besser, and I’m an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I’m an atheist now living in...

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

You’re funny.’ Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. ‘And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.”Ninety percent of Eastwood’s male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don’t know why that is, exactly. Maybe it’s the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it’s something I think I see sometimes in...

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

I’m six foot four and a half and I have a temper. It’s reserved for very important issues. If someone is asking me to make an artistic concession, then I’ll become a madman.

come over and try these on.

I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.

It’s certainly a lot more difficult to get a project made if you’re talking about something progressive. That’s just the nature of the industry.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I feel now it’s useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I’ve decided if I can make people laugh, I’m making a more important...

Buffoons may have serious faces behind their mask!

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

I want an answer about my request to transfer. Even now, my balls are shrinking in anticipation of going back out in the cold. I said I’d give my life protecting humanity, but my balls...

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

Does the giraffe know what he’s for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to...

You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

Not to alarm you or anything, but I think you just made a deal with a Mexican gang.” I’ve read Simone Elkeles books. I know how this whole garage as a front thing works.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in...

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

You’re right. Realistically, I’m a Ravenclaw.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as...

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve been married once and he left and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Like I can’t be vulnerable. Can’t relax. It’s exhausting, always being on the defensive,...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.