In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow? Trying your good plan tomorrow is the perfect plan today.

Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.

When preserving for posterity, use ¾ cup of sugar for each cup of item preserved, seal tightly, and store in a dry, dark place.

I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.

Vulcan Dis of the Week: Perhaps, t’hy’la, you should perform a mind meld on yourself, in order to determine what the bogozh you’re thinking.

I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention.

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was...

I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s...

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

It’s time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of ‘client states.’ I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day.

I’m a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling…awkward when it comes to you.””‘Awkward’ is the word du jour,” I agreed. “So, I make you nervous?””Not quite nervous,” he said. “Just unsettled.”I wriggled my...

My vagina already has its own mustache.

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

He should probably make love to her.

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I never got to take Agatha to the prom. I never took anybody. At the time I was OK with going alone, but now it pisses me off. Since even Sam said no to me,...

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator...

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.

I don’t like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I’ve never heard a phone ring before and I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Hello?

What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I’m dying remember? Dying people don’t have time for silly moods

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some...

If you don’t do anything stupid when you’re young, you won’t remember something funny when you’re old.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

Larry’s such a liar—He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three...

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked ‘out of syllabus’ questions by life!

I have a free couple of hours,” I told him, walking toward my car, which was parked on the next block. “There’s a very private, very secluded barn in Lookout Hill Park behind the carousel....

In sum,” Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, “Our defense will be…?” He looked to Matt for the answer/”Blame the other guy,” Matt said.”Which other guy?””Yes.””Huh?””We blame whoever we can,” Matt said....