POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry to say that he’s very nice and there’s not much bad to say about him. I don’t know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don’t...

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one.

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

First of all is the fact that I have some rather good turns of phrase. I don’t say that pridefully … it’s just that when a line I forgot about smacks me in the face...

I love being an older comic now. It’s like being an old soccer or an old baseball player. You’re in the Hall of Fame and it’s nice, but you’re no longer that person in the...

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto...

These are Plenimaran marines, and there’s not much most of them aren’t capable of, if you take my meaning.””I don’t think I do,” said Alec, puzzled by Seregil’s tone.”Then try this. They have a saying...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Chalk again?” Cal seemed almost disappointed. “Too bad there’s no chalk monster.”Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn’t exist. Zombies who drank blood to...

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia.

how romantic.

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it’s so forced.

In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

Usually, there’s nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

Sun Tzushi.

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

Funny thing- Morgenstern’s folk’s were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

Shut. Up,” June squealed. “You have a date with that guy?” She giggled and covered her mouth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.””I can’t do both,” I pointed out.

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear DiaryWent out shopping today....

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.” “Dick. That’s not what you said last night.””Bite me.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what year is it? I’ve been asleep since the 80s.

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don’t think he...

I’m so honest, that in order to compliment you, I’d improve you first.

I despise the ruling classes, but they’re required for my major.

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

I guess we’re oil and water. (Phoebe)I’d say we’re more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

Jane Jameson.”He grinned. “Like the porn star.”I gaped at him. “What? No, Jane Jameson.””Oh, not as fun,” he said, making disappointed clucking noises.

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

There are dumb actors. But there are dumb politicians and dumb bakers.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Politics.

I wouldn’t say I’m a method actor. I do research when I feel I don’t have enough experience for the part I’m playing.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...