Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

If the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn’t be considered corrupted?

I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird I saw yesterday. I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me.

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

My favorite time of the day is 3:33 pm, though I rarely see it because it’s a little too early to be getting up for the day.

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.

We’re like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.

Ready?”Despite the grim mood, I smiled and cracked my knuckles. “Ready to wrestle with my gorgeous boyfriend? Oh, I’d say I’m ready for that.”Amusement softened his eyes. “I’ll try to control where I put my...

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie.How do I know that the Duchess’s look said this? Because...

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

The fun is being able to have a show that you can do but then always being able to look out for that opportunity to do something different.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn’t know what to do in a fistfight without a manual.

Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we’ll kill everything.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang.

Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as...

Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.”Don’t,” said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.”What if...

Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you’ll be as right as rain come the weekend.

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

I am somebody’s son, and I know a guy I call “Dad.” Those two things are unrelated.

Honestly, Clary, if you don’t start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don’t know what I’ll do with you.

And my piece of advice is…don’t flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.