Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn’t quite possible.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

Wow. What’d he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn’t set the building on fire in the first place.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

I want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a...

WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

I hate you, too.

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I’m going to ask you to sit still, or I’ll put you in the trunk.

This doesn’t mean you’re getting a discount.”Audrey heaved a mock sigh. “Oh well. I guess I’ll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.”Gnome choked on the soup. “I’m old enough to be your grandfather!”Audrey...

When you’re writing these things, you’re in a room making each other laugh, you really have very little sense of political correctness or incorrectness. This is a question that Europe tends to ask and America...

It’s equally my obligation as a comedian to point out what is wrong with us and get us talking about our problems as it is pointing out what’s wrong (with) the way, for example, the...

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him...

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

Don’t see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something.”He cast his eyes downward and didn’t look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy....

(Sookie’s Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.

I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, ‘Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?’ I said, ‘I wanted this girl and...

Sometimes you feel in control, and it’s great, but sometimes you just don’t feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like...

I just know.”-Luke and Clary, pg.209-

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

What’s so funny?””-Sorry,” David said, reddening again. “You just taste so sweet.””-What do you mean, sweet?”He licked his bottom lip one more time.”-You taste like honey.””-Honey?””-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day…well, you...

You’re late.” I stopped, my jaw open and slack, because I knew she was right. I was late—but for what? I was late for love.

She blinked. “Hmm? Oh, don’t care. What did Anubis look like to you?””What did… he looked like a guy. So?””A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?””I guess… Not the dog-headed guy.””I knew it!” Sadie...

How’s that a duel?””He who can still sing after the most drinks is winner. Plus, soon’ everyone is so drunk that they forget what argument was about.”Teft laughed. “Beats knives at dawn, I suppose.

A bear trap eats, but does not drink. My love, however, drinks, but does not eat.

Así es. ,Sabes?, Bianca di Angelo no es la única que tiene un hermano irritante. Ya va siendo hora de que conozcas a mi muy irresponsable gemelo. Apolo. – Artemisa.

We have in the last two years, we have passed 350 legislation in the parliament, most of which deal with democratization, human rights, and of course, economy.

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover, just before I hit on them.

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: ‘So You Think...

Yeah, it’s a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.