The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very...

Merrill Krause – “My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.”Granny Lassiter – “Well, if a man can’t stand up to those brothers of yours, you...

The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don’t have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn’t resemble art in any way.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

If I go back home to Wittenberg, I’ll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

Love is like wine. To sip is fine, but to empty the bottle is a headache.

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.

You’re very welcome,” she said, giving my hair a hard tug. “You should be used to being gawked at by now.””And yet I’m not.””Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal, and I’ll...

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

We didn’t kiss,” I said. Jules cocked an eyebrow. “We brushed lips.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

Not everyone who stares likes us; we may look weird enough to get everyone’s attention.

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

In one of his puckish moods Saul talked the president of a university into letting him anonymously take an examination being administered to candidates for a doctorate in community organization. “Three of the questions were...

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?

I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

Built.” Similarly, a brick is complete in and of itself, but it is also a part of the process of building, and a part of the end result, a newly constructed built.

Unexpected Elizabeth wasn’t falling into his arms as he’d anticipated, even after he had acted heroic and been valiantly injured. Perhaps he had lost her.

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Rainier” A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be...

It’s funny how different people are. If I’d been this kid and someone was snarling “Ordering a pizza?” at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back “Yeah. You want pepperoni?”-Maximum Ride

Bryan helped me up. “How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?”I shrugged. “I’ve never been very athletic. Not unless you count fencing.””You made fences?

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous.

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

…leaning down for a quick peck on Jeff’s lips, and then he starts squirming and rearranging and manhandling until somehow they end up with Dan in the middle, Jeff stretched out on his left side,...

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.

A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.

your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You...

Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened.

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

Objection!” Metz shouts.Grounds?” the judge asks.Well…he’s my witness!

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he’s scared of the raghnaid?

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset...

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” – Owen

I don’t believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that’s the truth.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories—...

I’m going to take a shower,” I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. “You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.

I’m out of here.

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

She didn’t break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain’t supposed to be all involved in that. That’s why she got sisters and friend for. Just...

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.