The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

I apologized for punching him. I thought he was attacking me with a karate chop disguised as a handshake.

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you’re doing?””Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband’s spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.””Oh, you say that when you don’t...

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

Fine, I’ll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body’s hot, and I’m totally selfless like that.

OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It’s not like I was reading books or anything.

His appearance projected danger and reinforced the common knowledge that one did not want to piss off a demon, especially this one.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I’m fine with wither, so it doesn’t matter to me.

To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

That’s good to hear, Abby, since I need your breasts for a few minutes.

Easy for you to say. You’re the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing.” Cam’s mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had.

I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.

What are you” -Mac “I don’t follow” -Jericho “You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you?” -Mac “A man with a rope.” -Jericho

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work...

You know what I used to dream about, in stir?” His voice was hoarse, the words low and fast and faintly guttural. “I used to dream about you. You were the only clean and good...

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

We’re clear,” she said. “You’re kind of a psycho. I get that

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

Of course, Jules was not a wolf. She was an elephant. But Jules was a very young toy and she had never been to school to learn the difference.

Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards along one wall. The bins were arranged diagonally and backed my mirrors that people accidentally punched when...

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.

If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

You didn’t have to go to the fireworks with him. Or – or let him fondle you.””Fondle?” Raisa raised her eyebrows, “When did I mention fondling?

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

We’ll know we’ve built a machine that’s truly alive when it commits suicide.

Look at the size of his Naples!

Rather than continue kicking the can down the road, let us gather up the can, and deposit it in a roadside trash receptacle.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Control is under the situation.

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

Inadequate.

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

You run away to join another circus.

I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because...

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself....

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

Secret 4081312. Every bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.