It’s not that I can’t express myself,it’s that I still feel present when I’m not expressing myself.

Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

When I was little, we used to have Atari.

Shooting this one was kind of like a two month party, we would literally play music between takes, and other movies that were shooting on our lot would play hookey, come over and hang out...

He’s getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I’m wearing Spider-Man underpants!

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

He looked up at her and smiled crookedly, holding out a few sheets of paper. “Will you read this? i think maybe it sucks. or maybe it’s awesome. it’s probably awesome. Tell me it’s awesome,okay?...

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my...

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

I really think I’d be better at, like, advanced napping techniques.

Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s...

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else’s attachment and it wasn’t fair.

You couldn’t find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

what would you call this haircut?”arthur.

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto...

I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot...

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

Chalk again?” Cal seemed almost disappointed. “Too bad there’s no chalk monster.”Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn’t exist. Zombies who drank blood to...

If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.

I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia.

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I’ll interrogate and torture it.

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it’s so forced.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

Usually, there’s nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

Funny thing- Morgenstern’s folk’s were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.

To me love is like a cup of soapy dishwater. Sure, I’ll drink it, but I won’t swish it around in my mouth while you try to stuff filthy silverware down my throat.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

Shut. Up,” June squealed. “You have a date with that guy?” She giggled and covered her mouth. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.””I can’t do both,” I pointed out.

My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear DiaryWent out shopping today....

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

Besides, my drinking blood’s not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.””I was curious!

Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.” “Dick. That’s not what you said last night.””Bite me.

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?