There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Larry’s such a liar—He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three...

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

Prove me wrong.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

Because any other female would!

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked ‘out of syllabus’ questions by life!

Fred and George exchanged looks.”You don’t mind if we don’t kiss you, do you, Ron?” said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. “We could curtsy, if you like,” said George. “Oh, shut up,” said Ron,...

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Eating Crow” This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is ‘please’? That’s not true. The magic word is ‘puke’. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.

Uh, puedo hablar con Andrew Nelson, por favor?” I asked, feeling like an idiot.”Quien?” “El americano,” I explained. “Muy grande americano.” In trying to describe my father, I sounded like I was ordering coffee. But...

Sane is boring.

Behind every successful woman, there’s a big prick.

Marathon tidying produces a heap of garbage. At this stage, the one disaster that can wreak more havoc than an earthquake is the entrance of that recycling expert who goes by the alias of “mother.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it’s like they weren’t even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George’s stomach. Plaster didn’t actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close.

you’re so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure

She’ll soon forget.””Caddy,” said Saffron impatiently, “she is headmistress of the private school! She’s probably never forgotten anything in her whole life!

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my...

Everybody in!” I said.Which was when we discovered the final problem.Little Echos aren’t designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children.And their wings.And a dog.”This is like a clown car,” Total grumbled front my...

Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong...

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

Of course I do, Jack! You have to beLIEve me!

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

She’d been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. ‘You are so beautiful,’ her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.’You are so full of shit,’ Lila snarled,...

How did you get in here?’ (…) ‘How I got here isn’t important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.

And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together...

I want to change my life…except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn’t be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on...

America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.

You’re mine and I wouldn’t let you prostitute yourself for pizza. Now go put on a shirt,” I said, pulling two slices onto a plate.

Maybe she should cut the guy a little slack, […] Maybe Thorne had been a no-show because something bad happened to him on the job.What if he’d been injured in the line of duty and...

Your big scary husband is crying.

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

Well Sarah’s on drugs again and that’s why she did it in Mario’s backseat, but now she might be pregnant, oh, and that messed-up Seth kid’s been cutting himself again so he was sent away...

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, ‘Do you think?’. ‘As little as I can,’ Turnip replied honestly.

Any time you’re trying to do a movie with a happy ending, it’s very difficult because it’s been done before and you don’t want to be manipulative.

He sniggered.He didn’t like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half...

They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of...

Most good actors have a huge intelligence about the human condition and a real open heart to different kinds of people and behavior.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...