You get a promotion?””I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. […]””You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me.””We’re a bit more subtle.

It’s been nice knowing you, Clara, Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin. Because I’m pretty sure my parents are going to kill...

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I’d respond in a raspy voice, “Your brother ran over...

Most of the time romance isn’t even about love, anyway. It’s about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from...

Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I’ve always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.

Redaction marks are the truth dressed in black burqa.

Grandmother hates it when I do the “turkey dance.” Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn’t understand modern dance.

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.

Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person...

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

Can’t you see? I am making all sorts of friends.

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

It’s been said that 1 in 4 people have herpes, and everyone has 4 grandparents, so let’s be honest, your grandmother is probably a dirty skank.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

Mr. Fizzlebush.” He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and fourteen bottles of your finest champagne (he is royalty, after all). His Majesty Juan Carlos is not to be...

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me...

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to...

I know her note said she was leaving me, but there is some positive in it. At least she cared enough to tell me she didn’t care.

Money is seen as a great evil. But I’ve never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and...

WINE!Because these problems aren’t going to forget THEMSELVES!

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

Falling in love is like falling into the arms of a starving cannibal. It’s the only time when dinner for two is dinner for one.

A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.

You’d be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

That kiss you gave me was the hottest kiss i’ve ever had. I pulled away because i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from ripping off your clothes. And that didn’t seem...

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

It’s sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

An idea hit me so fast I didn’t pause to analyse it. I just acted. My body might be constrained, but my head and neck had just enough freedom to shift up-and kiss him.My lips...