There is no essential difference between the material of comedy and tragedy. All depends on the point of view of the dramatist, which, by clever emphasis, he tries to make the point of view of...

Comedy lives on in the web and TV, but nobody’s pressing comedy albums anymore.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

He squinted at me. “What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

I’ve actually done a lot of comedy.

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

I would say I try to make my comedy really personal. I try to tell stories that happened to me, experiences from my life.

And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach” Ryan says before we can be introduced. “I’m a big fan of your work” he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I...

Oh, God,” Lori said without looking at me, “what are they thinking, leaving the two of us alone out here on the dock together? We might TALK or something.””That would be awful,” I said. “I...

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Wrinkles was her big gray cat. Sierra named him Wrinkles because when he was a little baby he had a wrinkly face. He slept in Sierra’s room, but not always on the bed. Mommy said...

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Refutation of Baldy’s LawBaldy’s Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1. Suppose some of it + the rest of it = all of it.2. By King’s Rule, there’s...

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?”Her advice? “Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

What’s your name, son?’ Sam said. The man looked to be about Sam’s age, but Sam always thought calling people ‘son’ immediately gave the air of imperial authority and opened the door for spanking if...

Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing

I wondered about my inner child. In fact, I was troubled. Did I even have an inner child, I asked myself, given that, in essence, I’d just been born?

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

He stares at me, and then leans back in his chair. “He’s ill, Jacob.”I say nothing. “He’s a paragon schnitzophonic.””He’s what?!””Paragon schnitzophonic,” repeats Uncle Al. “You mean paranoid schizophrenic?””Sure. Whatever. But the bottom line is...

Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don’t, no matter how funny they are.

You can have a lot of fun with rhinos

I am a stage actor. I do mostly improv comedy. The only national television stuff is ‘Archer’ and’ Frisky Dingo.’

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

[Eclecticism is the byword for this year’s festival.] The Merchant City has some great venues for comedy, … We want to show a bit of everything that happens in Glasgow’s comedy community.

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn’t feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I’m a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn’t mean they...

Pissec approaches Pamela Geiger’s cubicle, itching in rhythm with her. He wants to ask her a question while Kalist is out of earshot. She’s not a grass, he’s sure, but stupid people die first.

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

That explains the devastating loneliness and constant abuse by alpha males…

The Prince stood beside the timpanist to count his rests for him and see that he came in in the right place. I suppressed all the trumpet passages which were clearly beyond the players’ grasp....

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s...

You can’t keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it’ll run away and find a new pimp.

Dane Cook is one of the most exciting comedy stars to emerge on the scene in many years, and his ability to connect with audiences is truly remarkable. HBO will be able to give this...

Comedy is hard to do. All the cliches about it are true.

Change the world so that nothing else is changed.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a...

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is...

Speak English at this table or I will fire you so fast you’ll wind up standing at the airport wondering how you got from here to there without any goddamn pants on.

I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She wouldn’t do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end. Also people didn’t do things like...

What did Kevin Ye get arrested for anyway? Didn’t he steal a car?” “He stole the driver’s ed car.”I laughed. Then I saw how Adam was looking at me. “He gave it back.” “They MAKE...