He’s not the Messiah – he’s a very naughty boy.

Oh Lord please don’t burn us don’t kill or toast your flock Don’t put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock, Don’t bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a...

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non- existence of God, they have decided to fight for it

If life seems jolly rotten, There’s something you’ve forgotten.

She turned me into a newt! -A newt?-I got better…

No it can’t! An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Rogerthe Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Well she turned me into a newt!””A newt?””I got better…

He’s not pining, he’s passed on. This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. He’s a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If...

This morning, shortly after 11 oclock, comedy struck this little house in Dibbley road. Sudden, violent comedy.

I don’t think there’s a punch-line scheduled, is there?

This is a dead parrot!

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical...

The Castle Aaahhhgggg – our quest is at an end.

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!

I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all...

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look....

This morning, shortly after 11 o ‘ clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibbley road. Sudden, violent comedy. ‘

Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I’m being repressed!

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!

Tis but a scratch”A scratch?! Your arm’s off!”No, it isn’t.

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?

First you must find… another shrubbery! (dramatic chord) Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a...

Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it...

Honesty, simplicity and truth are the secret to his comedy,

My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white

Ximinez: Now, old woman — you are accused of heresy on three counts — heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action — *four* counts. Do you confess?Wilde: I don’t...

There’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not

What? Ridden on a horse?”Yes”You’re using coconuts!”What?”You’ve got two empty halves of coconuts and you’re banging them together!”So?

Of course, it ‘ s a bit of a jump, isn ‘ t it? I mean, er ‘¦ chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go ‘¦ You don ‘ t think it might be...

He must be a king.Why?He hasn’t got shit all over him.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.