They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

If knowledge is but sorrow’s spy, it proves a double agent by and by.

No…they’re…not hot.

Does talking to yourself in the voice of your fictional character count as being social?

Charlene wasn’t Culford’s top stylist just because she knew how to wield a can of AquaNet. Information flowed within the walls of her beauty shop faster than she could say high-speed Internet connection.

Duct tape can’t fix stupid,” Bas growled. “Maybe not,” Red replied, “but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

I grew up loving David Letterman and Pee-wee Herman, but as far as live performance comedy, all I knew were the Jerry Seinfeld-type comedians of the world, and that’s what I thought live performance comedy...

Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been...

Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn’t even know it because of all the jokes. It’s like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids’ brownies. Suckers!

Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn’t realize because he’s a turd.

I put a chameleon on a red dildo… He blushed

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I’ve never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there’s like 900 of ’em lined up, there’s a salesman there. What’s...

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work...

Shame comes in different doses.

Kalist likes to listen to the collective voices swell as more individuals in his colony arrive.

I do find myself surprised by the comedy shows that seem to have the same joke week in week out.

The only ironic thing about that song is that it’s called ‘Ironic’ and it is written by a woman who doesn’t know what irony is. That’s quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis...

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny...

Every week we had a different story and setting. Some were costume and period; some were modern. Some were comedy; some were tragedy. Some were melodrama. They were all different.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The only thing I would unequivocally say is that I have never had any interest in romantic comedy I just couldn’t do it. I think I’d be terrible.

If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend comedy before bed. The tenth doctor, having just read Tolstoy as deliberately mistranslated...

it’s not about what to think,it’s about how to think.

It’s called ‘Easier, Softer Way,’ … It’s a comedy starring Danny Masterson, Ronnie Warner, John C. McGinley. I have a small part in it.

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

It’s a comedy thriller, brilliantly written and it’s full of twists and turns at every page. When I was reading it I was desperate to get to the end to find out what happens, it...

Directors, like actors, get typecast. And because I’ve had great success with comedy and horror and TV shows, that’s basically what I’m kind of offered.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Adam thinks that you two are in an argument.”My body zinged into alert mode. My mind didn’t know what Mrs. Vader meant, but my body already did. Even Sean glanced over at her with a...

Would you like some sacred chocolate?’ a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara’s side. ‘They’ve very special chocolates,’ she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara’s direction. ‘They’re raw and sweetened with Stevia.’Stevia,...

Tim Conway is one of the best-loved comedians in the country. The combination of great comedy with an exciting sport for a worthy cause will be a guaranteed hit with our audience that night.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

Redaction marks are the truth dressed in black burqa.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

Read that dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field when urinating or defecating. Trying it myself this week – so far so good!

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

Italians speak in italics all the time.

They call it a mushroom cloud because ‘cauliflower cloud’ would just be too scary.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

IF A THING IS WORTH HAVING, ITS WORTH CHEATING FOR.

I’d rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

She incorporates comedy and funny songs – it’s not the kind of thing you’d typically see at a folk concert, but it’s really unique and fun.

Your toaster’s a puff.

Friendship is constant in all other thingsSave in the office and affairs of love.Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues.Let every eye negotiate for itself,And trust no agent; for beauty is a witchAgainst...