Stick Boy liked Match Girl,He liked her a lot.He liked her cute figure,he thought she was hot.But could a flame ever burnfor a match and a stick?It did quite literally;he burned up quick.

That pompous phrase (graphic novel) was thought up by some idiot in the marketing department of DC. I prefer to call them Big Expensive Comics.

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

Scoop out my soul with a spoon like it’s a cantaloupe, and I’ll tell you that love is breakfast. And I’d love to make breakfast to Agatha one more time.

He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.

Love is a bird’s nest of emotion that I used as a basket to store picnic items like apples, cheese, wine, and finger foods like thumbs and pinkies.

I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.

It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it was love, two years before.

People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.

I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic...

I’m stranded. Come pick me up. I’ll be dressed like a hooker and standing on the corner. There’s a discount if you get here in 30 minutes or less.

I once placed third in the Battle of the Fourth Places. There were only two other competitors, so I felt proud. My grandma and grandpa beat me, despite having been dead over five years.

Maruman does not loll.

I combined a unicycle with coffee table legs. You know, for balance and sexual stamina. I make love like I’m at the drive-thru, and I am, because I’m in a rush and I don’t have...

I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.

I don’t like customer service, because I don’t believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.

Happy Birthday.

A man from the Land of Fools wanted to pull down the clouds.’Why?’ someone asked him.’To squeeze out the rain.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big mistake! I should have given her a bus.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this...

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God’s Wisdom did not exist.

I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Job was what you’d technically describe as a loony.

A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?

Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered 77, then perhaps you talk to yourself in the mirror, and wait for a response from your reflection....

Somebody should merge motorcycles and toilets. You know, for the lover in all of us, just waiting to be released.

Noon yellow is needed to combat my inner albino. But I prefer spreading my shadow thin like mayonnaise. Ours is a nighttime love.

I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can put our relationship back together. Just pass me the maple syrup.

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

I’ll invite you to try my wedding. Free samples until Tuesday!

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

The Black-eyed Peasants.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.