For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he’ll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee.”That was code. It...

To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

A vagina is a door to a new world,” I thought as I grabbed the handle and gave it a turn.

When you carry a gun, everything starts looking like a sword. If you pass the butter too quickly, I’m likely to shoot you. But even if you attack me, we can still be lovers.

I’m afraid it’s not nonsense,” Genghis said, shaking his turbaned head and continuing his story. “As I was saying before the little girl interrupted me, the baby didn’t dash off with the other orphans. She...

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She...

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

He himself, Anthony went on to think, he himself had chosen to regard the whole process as either pointless or a practical joke. Yes, chosen. For it had been an act of the will. If...

We’re the new power, come to replace the old. Cameras in the head, children with microchips, spin doctors rewriting reality as it happens.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how to repair your broken erection.

I made a t-shirt that says, “Today’s my birthday” on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige....

Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers for America’s current monetary nightmare.

Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat.

Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.

The river didn’t fall down the mountain. No, it took the escalator. I love swimming down stairs like I’m Michael Phelps in a wheelchair.

I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it.

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes.

The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that saved all those passengers was my love—and the fact that I know how...

I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw.

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.

I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting...

When you’re as ugly as I am, you need all the beauty sleep you can get. I’ll be in the restroom resting if you need me. Knock three times so I know it’s you and...

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

Are you an evolutionist? I’m an absurdist, ma’am. But let’s suppose evolution is true; what about the monkeys today? Why can’t we see them evolving? Are they still evolving?

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your...

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

It has always seemed absurd to suppose that a god would choose for his companions, during all eternity, the dear souls whose highest and only ambition is to obey.

I remember discussions with Bohr which went through many hours till very late at night and ended almost in despair; and when at the end of the discussion I went alone for a walk in...