I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I...

I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be confused with being asleep.

If we were both standing beside Niagara Falls, the only thing you’d be able to hear is the sound of me urinating in a pitcher of lemonade. Gorgeous scenery is great and all, but I’ve...

I am the robot in the machine. I eat wires and circuits and I was raised by a single motherboard. I also enjoy my hamburgers with ketchup, mayonnaise, and #FFFF00 mustard.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

Something’s different about Mr. Different. The same can’t be said about Ms. Same. The two would make the best lovers, but that’s impossible, because I’m the best lover.

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and...

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

This is my life now. Absurd, but unpredictable. Not absurd because unpredictable but unpredictable because absurd. If I have lost the meaning of my life, I might still find small treasured things among the spilled...

What a nice night for an evening.

Money can’t buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama – Their father can order an assassination, don’t piss him off.

I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.

I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.

Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.

Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like an extended blink. That way, if anybody asks if you’ve seen it, and you say No, you fell asleep halfway...

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

I love in all directions, except southeast. Don’t ask me why, because I already told you where. Also, don’t ask me who, because the list of who I love is as long as a phone...

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

To be the best, you have to do what nobody does. And nobody does nothing great anymore, which is why I’ll be great by doing nothing great.

I’m a great dancer, and you can tell because I need to wear a football helmet when I’m feeling the rhythm. It’s not only for my safety, but also that of the safety covering my...

I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.

My love is colorful, like a rainbow that’s only shades of blue. Monochromatic for monoamor.

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

Love is a tomato. And while it’s true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves...

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?

You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like I just rented these fabulous shoes.

I meet people to know I’m not alone, and I network like an astronaut on the moon. Tom James is the Neil Armstrong of #Networking.

He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t put food on my table.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.

Take from the church the miraculous, the supernatural, the incomprehensible, the unreasonable, the impossible, the unknowable, the absurd, and nothing but a vacuum remains.

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one’s burden again. ButSisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He tooconcludes that all is well. This universe...

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our...

I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives.

I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable...

She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.