Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

I had a dream about you. We almost made love in the produce section of your local grocery store, but when I asked if you brought protection, you told me you’d forgotten the coupons at...

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave...

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

We see beyond our eyes, but not back into them, at least not without the self-deceptive help of a mirror. Squeegees are for lovers.

And then, on the final day, it was time for the faux Underground Railroad. This is the part that no one believes. “No adult would ever do that,” they say. “You can’t be remembering that...

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

Don Severo dropped his fork, Doña Remedios nearly chocked, but Jesús carried on playing with his food. He’d never really liked broccoli.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

We read the pagan sacred books with profit and delight. With myth and fable we are ever charmed, and find a pleasure in the endless repetition of the beautiful, poetic, and absurd. We find, in...

One of the only coherent philosophical positions is thus revolt. It is a constant confrontation between man and his own obscurity.

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

I have an abnormally shaped brain. According to neuroimaging, my brain looks like a curled up sleeping kitten. That’s how I make love like meow.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

I’m an extreme athlete. I’m into cuddling. I wonder if Red Bull would sponsor me.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works,...

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

I have an Unexplained Flying Erection. I also have a floating picture of my dead grandma. The two are unrelated. Long live the queen!

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them

It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.

If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn’t try to play the piano with my nose.

Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun...

If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

Dinner for two—plus one.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials….I would love to’ pay no interest for 6 months

Beauty is a whore, I like money better.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s really funny....

As a rule, theologians know nothing of this world, and far less of the next; but they have the power of stating the most absurd propositions with faces solemn as stupidity touched by fear.It is...

A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to...

Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the room.(In the whole wide room)And when you’re on the street(Depending on the street)I bet you are definitely in the...

I set up a meeting with Tom Morrow and Yes Terday, and I’m afraid I’ll be both a day late and a day early.

Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.

Love takes many forms, but I’ll bet none of them are tax forms. I would work for the IRS, but I’m just not that romantic.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.