Love is something you must work at. And if you can’t work at it, don’t expect the government to subsidize you. At least not until the Central Bank figures out how to counterfeit emotions.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll produce enough leftovers for decades.

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got...

Question for your life: If there were a fountain machine that dispensed destruction instead of soda, would you grab an extra large cup?

I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I...

A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.

I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

My thermos does such a good job of keeping my tea hot that it feels like I’m drinking iced tea.

I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me.

Shit a brick.”

A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.

This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.

Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish and state.

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.

I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me.

Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can turn water into wine?

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

I am a man of action, like a statue of a guy running. In business, when a salesman and a customer race each other, both win.

I’m not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

My vagina already has its own mustache.

Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.

This city needs a stadium. Where am I supposed to masturbate?

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have discovered.

My girl didn’t step out on me. She just stood in the doorway and wouldn’t close the door.

I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).

I make cuddles the way I make clam chowder—without complaining and without jelly. If you assume the position, I’ll put the biscuits in the oven.

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

However, my next-door neighbors had an entirely different manner of eating. When I’d go over there for dinner, it was buffet style, only a truly global sampling. Beluga caviar from Iran, with each individual egg...

I am the captain of Team Erica. And if your name is Erika, I’m sorry, but you can’t join. Also, anybody named Eric A. is also not eligible.

My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners.

In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?