The president of the US is the leader of the free world, if by free world you mean the country with the largest prison system.

Getting to know somebody new—it’s part of the fun of avoiding people.

I’d kill every politician with a spoon, if I thought they had coffee for brains. But they’re simply not that intelligent, and I wish the people would wake up to that fact.

Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s why they’re dusty, because my feet, unfortunately, were not made for dancing. My...

I had a dream about you. We were both surrounded by poor people, but there was one big difference—I was poor, but you were rich. That’s why I was shocked when you tried to rob...

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the...

If instead of horns, unicorns had dildos on their heads, I’ll bet more politicians would try to find them.

I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.

I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.

Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and...

Licorice stops erections at the source—the crotch. It also helps against certain poisons, like love.

I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.

I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?

I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a...

I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.

This is my logo for Steve

Success, if I simply gave it to you, you wouldn’t have the pleasure of taking it.

I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.

Love is like the moment you’re about to win at chess, and then you realize you’re the other color and you’re actually about to lose.

I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said...

I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the rose of my ears, look at the rouge of the construction cube.

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them at one time. Most are just he said she said chatter, and I...

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But...

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

I am illiterate. Just not in English.

I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

The only book I’d read in the shower is Naked Lunch, because my bathtub is in the center of my kitchen. I make breakfast like I make love, and sometimes I’m so hungry I make...

Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?

Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his chest in protest of any kind of bloodshed.

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I want to write a song about one man’s level of commitment called, “I’d walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

To save the environment—and my childhood memories, I merged a gas station pump with a jukebox. Look, my car now runs on 80s music!

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.