There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

I’d love to visit a zoo stocked with stuffed animals. Where would all the real animals be? Well, the real animals would be where they always are: in Congress.

I must have told her I loved her a thousand times. But none of that matters now that she has discovered that I told her best friend I loved her a thousand and one times.

How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18. Then try running for political office.

I dance so fluid that I often drink the floor.

Donkeys and elephants represent us politically. Why? Because snakes and roaches would be too obvious.

I’m an amazing dancer. Of course, to the casual observer, my dancing looks like I’m walking and then sitting.

Have an itch? Simple—rub poison ivy over the rest of your body, so that all the skin contributes its fair share to a unified, and more hopeful, future. That’s top-level political thinking right there.

On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.

I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the...

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).

I am the Zam Maz of love. Or at least I will be, once 572w167e74zx2.

Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I’d recommend having two.

Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.

Certain people, people who are certain, are always wrong—and that itself is certainly wrong because it’s always always.

The only reason I don’t know more about love is because there just isn’t more to know. In fact, I’ve reduced love to a mathematical formula: Hdgk(X)=H2k(X,Q)∩Hk,k(X). Actually, that’s not right. That’s the statement piece...

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

I gave the robber a gift that transformed him from a thief to an honest recipient of a present when I said what he took from me wasn’t stolen, but was a gift from me...

Snuggling is an art. And I’m no Rembrandt—I’m a cat. I am pure cuddling genius.

I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

They say you fear what you don’t understand. Maybe that’s why every time I’m in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

I had a dream about you. You wore all yellow and I wore all blue, and together we were trying to make the world a little greener. Not through sex, as I wanted, but through...

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

I had a dream about you. You were drinking apple juice, and I was drinking horse piss, though the spectators in the stadium couldn’t tell who was drinking what, even though one million dollars for...

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

When you’re as ugly as I am, you need all the beauty sleep you can get. I’ll be in the restroom resting if you need me. Knock three times so I know it’s you and...

I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?

If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn’t try to play the piano with my nose.

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.

Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same, and the things that stay the same are the things I wish changed.

Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I’m not Martha proof—I’m merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.