At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.

What’s the difference between praying and crying? One you’re talking to God, and the other you’re talking to God but you don’t know it.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...

If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery. That’ll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won’t...

Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her.

I introduced myself as the man who’d introduce her to her future husband. Then I called over my clone, knowing full well that after they’d fallen in love and gotten engaged, I was going to...

I had a dream about you. You sold Tuesdays to factory workers on Monday mornings. You had a good thing going, until I showed up with a vender cart stocked full of Wednesdays.

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

I was beside myself with grief. I was also beside myself with cloning.

When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?

The US is at a point where just when the people imagine things can’t get any worse, they realize their imaginations weren’t big enough.

I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt...

I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I am.

I heard Africa was having a drought, so I mailed them a bucket of tears. Hope that helps, fellas.

I like to spoon after I fork.

My tears are salty. I shouldn’t eat potato chips while drinking my Cry Water, because it only makes me thirstier for your love.

Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.

Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling Champion.

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

I’d like to open a restaurant. Would you eat at a place called Filthy’s? The name would be better than the food, which in turn would be better than the service.

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

I loved her like meatloaf. Our love was the kind covered in ketchup—and not gravy.

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

The older I get, the more I’ve got going for me. Each yesterday is a new me I’ve got working for my collective experience, like an army of clones.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

Language is visibly invisible, and a foreign language is camouflaged. In another language, I love you may appear like common tree bark.

The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

Are you tired, irritable, or suffering rom heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%.

If it is what it isn’t, it must be love. And I must be in it.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

I found a bra in a bar. Guess when? Anagram Night! It’s the one day of the year that’s truly for lovers. It’s also for a solver.

There’s more salt in the ocean than in one bag of chips. Let this be a lesson in love.

A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you used a blanket instead. But don’t use the blanket that’s on my bed,...

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear blankets out in public.

I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.