I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.

If love were a color, it’d be orange. Not because that’s a romantic color, but because it’s the sweetest. If you want to know how I feel about you, I just made some juice out...

I’ll make your heart melt like a puddle of love. Then I’ll swim across it—nude. Pricing for birthday parties does include the midgets.

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

I am the captain of Team Erica. And if your name is Erika, I’m sorry, but you can’t join. Also, anybody named Eric A. is also not eligible.

A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love.

My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?

My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.

Speeding along I-10 last summer, heading west, I chased the sunset, thinking if I kept up I could extend my day indefinitely, or at least until I hit a major body of water.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?

I never got to take Agatha to the prom. I never took anybody. At the time I was OK with going alone, but now it pisses me off. Since even Sam said no to me,...

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

I combined a unicycle with coffee table legs. You know, for balance and sexual stamina. I make love like I’m at the drive-thru, and I am, because I’m in a rush and I don’t have...

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

He’s dead. I don’t celebrate who he was, but who he isn’t. He isn’t alive, and that is a great reason to party.

I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.

Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.

My hobbies include urinating in empty apple juice bottles and then pouring the contents into kitty litter and trying to get the clumps to form shapes of historical figures.

Somewhere, on some sidewalk, is a piece of gum with my shoe’s imprint patterned on it. You must find it and bring it to justice.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to...

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?

What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make it a point to break for love. My horn is broke—and so am...

Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.

Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.

I’m an accountant of sorts. But I don’t count my money—I count your love for me. That’s all that really matters in this world.

Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.

In flew influence, and out fluttered humility.

I trained for months to be a boxer. Not Mike Tyson style, but more like Fed Ex. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Well, I’m not really a lover, but I am slightly more romantic...

Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and...

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

I took my shoes for a walk. They’re furry and they bark.

I am Ebenezer Snooze, and I am frugal with my sleep. I buy warm coffee cold, so I can get a discount.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of people that meets in complete darkness in complete secrecy. I have no idea why the other members joined, when they joined,...

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem...

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.