Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.

I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like...

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Man has to eat, so thank God some food tastes good. However, if men had no taste buds, or sense of smell, all food would be good. So hooray! And also boo for boring. That’d...

I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.

Get me a slinky.

Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

The key to making supreme Snuggle Pudding is mixing in enough cat.

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your...

My cat is a meow factory. Why can’t he manufacture something more profitable, like love?

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

I travel by foot. It’s like a wheelchair in a microwave it’s so easy to camel. I sleep on a pillow made of coffee, and I’d ask you to turn out the light when you’re...

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination.

Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?

I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

In real life I was alone, but in my dream I was in a crowd, and that’s why I farted. But being the gentleman that I am, I blamed it on your dad.

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

I’ve aged more this past week than I did in all six days that preceded it. Will you still love me tomorrow, when I’m an older man?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t trust a beautiful woman. One minute she’s smiling at you seductively, and the next she’s trying to stab you with the pen you wouldn’t...

I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I brought the jellyfish.

A blanket could be used as a tank, if you rearrange the letters and leave out the leb. But why would you leave out the leb? That’s the most dangerous part. (The leb is the...

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.

A blanket could be used in surgery. But personally, I’d rather use a surgeon.

I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.

I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it?

My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.

My voice smells like a shout. Especially when I eat silence.

I’m not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.

A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean, you’ll have proof that sea levels are rising globally.

It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how my teammates must feel about me. But who cares? They’re just my clones.

A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for...

A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my shoulders, so what’s the problem with a little new construction to go on...

I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret itself is love, and lies outside of one.

Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11 clones of myself.

A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. 3 is a number so magical it can only be used by a blanket.

I once met a man who couldn’t think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was...

Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.

My life story is too long to tweet. Too long by two characters—and by characters I don’t mean Dora J. Arod and Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.

If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.