I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we could, because I make love buffet style.

A brick could be used as a hammer. A brick could be both a tool and a building material in the construction of a mansion. That’s like having an engineer design secret tunnels in your...

Maybe is the lovechild of No and Yes. We should make love. I’ll be the No, you’ll be the Yes, and maybe I won’t call the cops but will call you again sometime.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness.

I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated. Every brick in this country is equal, and as such they should be...

I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I just turned the fan off.

We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell in love in England, despite the fact that the colors on their flag...

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

Anything disguised as anything is chameleon. A ghost disguised as an unobservable and invisible object is a great example. Still, that’s easier to see than the love my ex wife had for me.

Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like ostrich, because I’m always running from it.

Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect.

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others.

Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

6 pm isn’t closer to noon than 6 am in reality, but mentally the difference is like night and day.

Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve got to try. That’s what being in love is all about.

One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a babysitter with me. You know, to watch the baby I’ll make with her.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

I sing into burritos like they’re microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.

I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.

She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.

My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it get it back.

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.

I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.

Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become...

Love is a two-man job. Well, at least homosexual love is.

I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but , of a mating ritual.

You’ll know the economy is dead when industry stops and escalators turn into stairs. That’ll be the day slinkies take over the world.

There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.

I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.

Death—I’m a nonmember for life.

I make conversation like I make love to myself—I let my hands do all the talking.

60% of children are born to unwed mothers. I should start pulling out.

The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was “Stop!” Thinking back, I don’t know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to...

I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.

Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.

Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the fastest, to make the best use of what little time they have.