I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting...

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.

A brick could be God’s gift to man (and woman), and we wouldn’t even know it because we’re all obsessed with iPads, luxury cars, and of course, my body.

I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

I want to write a poem about “Truth,” “Honor,” “Dignity,” and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.

I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other food. That’s why I’ve never seen a ghost. They’re afraid of me, afraid...

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

A brick could be used to symbolize my fear. You may snicker and call me an irrational coward, but many people are afraid of spiders, and my fear, the brick, is a killer of spiders....

The most environmentally friendly last name is Green.

The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car and stole the bottle.

Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords.

There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.

I want to open a 24-hour store called Closed. It’s open, and it’s Closed.

A brick could be used to cook with, as a thickening agent in gravy. But as history proves, the thickest agents work for the government as tax collectors.

Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.

Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.

A brick could be used to represent my hero. My hero obviously doesn’t look like a brick, but since he is my hero I decided to represent him as more handsome and interesting than he...

flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide my patriotism among red, white, and blue foliage.)

I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right.

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.

Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.

Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky, try not to drown.

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.

A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.

Dinner for two—plus one.

My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.

I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.

We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

I own the night, and all the blackness that isn’t. It is isn’t.

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don’t consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to...

She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.

The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?

I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget.

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what’s more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.

I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.

As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.

must” in mustard. Sadly, the only man alive who understands what I mean is dead. RIP Mitch Ketchup.

If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off...

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.