My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

The past—I’m looking forward to it.

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with 22 letters than English can with 26.

Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.

transparent” administration.

Grandpa often tells me I dance like my legs are engulfed in flames. I just go out there and put the fire of desire in women’s hearts.

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

I think it’s important to set goals for myself, goals for the future, goals that I’ll demand my clones achieve for me.

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.

Irish I were I wish, so being drunk all the time would be socially acceptable.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

Love has a sound, if you know what to listen for. It sounds like silence, surrounded by blindness. It’s the Helen Keller of emotions, at least for me.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let the world know you’re serious.

I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

Caveat Emptor.”

College has given me the confidence I need to fail.

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

If I were a superhero, I’d be Honesty Man. I’d be so transparent I’d be invisible.

maturity,” then every single woman I’ve dated has been at least twice my yage.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, “Don’t make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

In the tortoise and the hair fable, I believe the tortoise represents big business, while the hair represents small business. Not featured in the fable is the six-ton snail, which represents the government. Not only...

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

The difference between you and him and him and me isn’t different at all: we’re all different.

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

There are four quarters in a football game. That’s natural, because that’s 100%. I’m a 75% kind of fan, because I’m all about the quarterback.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried to say I love you, but I’m afraid I just muddied up the...

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...