North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.

It’s a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there’s no two ways about it.

I’m making top dollar now. I just wish I were making the bottom dollars too.

I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.

Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.

I loved her bravely, like a fighter turned sprinter. I loved her so fiercely that I never even dared speak of my feelings. And because I displayed as much passion as a statue, our relationship...

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

I toss and turn so much in my sleep that the very act of sleeping must be exhausting for me. Sleeping makes me want to sleep even more.

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.

Improve your life by taking advantage of new technologies like bleach and a drinking glass. Show your love for the globe by reducing an overpopulated world by one.

Feed me, you moron.

Clothes are expensive. Save money and become a nudist. Remember: Fashions may change, but naked is always in style.

If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being said. And what are you saying? I can’t hear you when my back...

His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

If words were leaves, would you prefer fall or spring?

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

I cry at weddings, but not funerals. One’s a sad event, and the other a joyous one.

I drank the coffee because I was tired. I also drank the coffee because I was dominant, and it was passive and put up no fight.

I love you—but not now. I mean don’t bother me now, not that I don’t love you now. Also, now for me isn’t now for you, as my watch is five minutes fast, and that’s...

I think it was love. She was the kind of woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with—if I’d just been told I have six months left to live.

I can’t remember what I said to her, and she can’t remember what she heard. I must have said I love you.

I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?

We rode on the horse like we were in love and drunk on coffee. But that’s silly, because we weren’t drunk and in love. We were just drunk, and not from the coffee either.

Have an apple. It’s bruised. I beat the hell out of it.

Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work to do!

My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it was not the sting of coffee I swigged with swagger. Bitter is better...

This guy looks like Humphrey Bogart with a beard. Makes me so jealous I could just stab him. And I would too, if I didn’t suspect him of holding a smoking gun.

His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?

I drink coffee like I make love, only I’m more awake with the coffee.

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...

When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.

I want to start a band called the Band-Aids. Free coffee for all who come to our show. We’d perform for the deaf and the asleep.

I’m so glad my date doesn’t think I’m ugly. I love blind dates where the woman is actually blind.

I believe I am a witness to the Invisible Man, because I saw nothing. I’m just as reliable—and unreliable—as Helen Keller.

I drink coffee the way other men put on their pants—only after they’ve paid the hooker.

If I ever decide to kill you, you’d be the first to know about it. (And hopefully the only person to know about it).

If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it is.

I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.

What’s safer turned off? The TV. Less murder in the world.

Thank God for illegal products—because that’s where the largest percentages are made. Outlawing an industry immediately makes it a more profitable business to be in.

He had an ugly mug. Yes, both his face and his coffee cup were hideous.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

Weeping willows remind me of summer. And sadness. I wonder if tissues are made out of their trunks.