If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being said. And what are you saying? I can’t hear you when my back...

I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am...

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

I stepped on the bug to prove I love her, and show that I’d kill for her. Is there really any mystery as to why the guy she was talking to before me just disappeared...

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

I drank the coffee because I was tired. I also drank the coffee because I was dominant, and it was passive and put up no fight.

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

I think it was love. She was the kind of woman I’d like to spend the rest of my life with—if I’d just been told I have six months left to live.

I can’t remember what I said to her, and she can’t remember what she heard. I must have said I love you.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

We rode on the horse like we were in love and drunk on coffee. But that’s silly, because we weren’t drunk and in love. We were just drunk, and not from the coffee either.

Have an apple. It’s bruised. I beat the hell out of it.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it was not the sting of coffee I swigged with swagger. Bitter is better...

This guy looks like Humphrey Bogart with a beard. Makes me so jealous I could just stab him. And I would too, if I didn’t suspect him of holding a smoking gun.

Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.

I drink coffee like I make love, only I’m more awake with the coffee.

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

I want to start a band called the Band-Aids. Free coffee for all who come to our show. We’d perform for the deaf and the asleep.

I’m so glad my date doesn’t think I’m ugly. I love blind dates where the woman is actually blind.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

I drink coffee the way other men put on their pants—only after they’ve paid the hooker.

If I ever decide to kill you, you’d be the first to know about it. (And hopefully the only person to know about it).

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.

What’s safer turned off? The TV. Less murder in the world.

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

He had an ugly mug. Yes, both his face and his coffee cup were hideous.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

I had a dream about you. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, like little kids, only we weren’t kids, we were just little. I think the technical term is midgets.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.

Cats have tongues with the texture of bricks, and fur as warm and soft as blankets.

I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.

On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.

Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

I had a religious experience at a crosswalk.

It’s raining cats and dogs. Good thing meows and barks bounce off my umbrella, and I just poured a large cup of love in the left cup of your bra when you weren’t looking.

It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.

Tonight I’m on Meow Patrol. Do you have a fur coat I can borrow?

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.

Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back.

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches...

When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older.

To me, a good friend is one who doesn’t talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.