I found love in the City of Love. Not Paris, but Philadelphia. It wasn’t romantic, but more of a brotherly kind of love.

Love dances in my heart like a nudist in socks. Boy, that jig is awfully jiggly.

With a person I respect, I wash my hands before I shake their hand. With a person I don’t respect, I wash my hands after I shake their hand.

I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

When I make love I use protection. I wear rubber gloves.

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to...

Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

Who I am is unimportant. But who I am is very important. I’ll suppress my ego now, every occurring now, so I can achieve my maximum later.

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.

I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable thing indeed.

The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day.

It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or designer, but she is a buyer—not for a retail outlet, but for her...

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m talking to one of my clones about another one of my clones.

I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.

I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I wouldn’t be rebellious anymore. Did you hear what I heard? Because I heard...

Men are from vaginas, and women are from women.

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.

I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?

I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

Like pets, I name my leftover food. Only I name them all after myself, partly so my coworkers won’t eat them in the fridge, but mostly out of vanity.

My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.

With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love.

A brick could help me hold down a job. Hey, in an economy as bad as this, every little bit helps.

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.

Birthday presents come in boxes, like coffins, filled with dead gratitude.

Today we’re living in an anti-Waldo world, where you don’t want to blend in and have people struggle to find you. You want your personal brand to stand out like you’re wearing a red and...

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

The cup had a lot of volume, so I poured in a lot of noise and sipped it up to my ears. And what I heard didn’t smell like coffee, but it did taste like...

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.

Personal branding is more important today than ever. Today is today, right? If today is tomorrow, and it soon will be, then personal branding is even more important. If you haven’t started branding yourself, what...

I wear glasses. They improve my hearing, Helen Keller style. And I sip coffee like a mute orator on a meteor. Drink up the deafness.

At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.

I am possibly the world’s greatest magician, because I don’t just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I’ll bet you’re probably thinking, “I don’t remember seeing you,” or “I’ve never seen you.” And...

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him,...

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.