In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

now” in knowledge. Well, I will put it there, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow.

There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal, and a book of baby names.

Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.

I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.

Like a pair of dead batteries, I felt energized. Love is the light in my Can of Darkness.

I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know...

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe...

My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about everyone else, because everyone else is where all the money is at.

I think you’ll find that in the long run, marathons are more of a sprint. So it is with my love, and no matter how many times you flush, the water level remains constant.

I thought orange was a more electable color, so I dyed my whole cat orange, and renamed him Abe Lincoln. I licked his fur clean in celebration of his victory.

Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.

At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.

What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish, or you can introduce him to a woman named Fish who happens to look like a trout.

I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!

Due to its late nature, tomorrow morning will start after tonight. People say early morning, but it’s later than late at night, so I say it’s entirely too decadent for me to be a part...

I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be purred.

I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!

I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.

My forehead is starting to get wrinkled, but you’d hardly notice it because all the wrinkles in my shirt would distract your attention from my face.

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me. I’ll stick to sticking it in statues.

I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking.

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

Jacksonville is the friendliest city in the world. Test it out for yourself and see. Walk in to any public Men’s room and step up to a stranger at a urinal and introduce yourself and...

Blankets could be used to represent the warmth and comfort of Libertarian ideals. And the world would be a better place, if most politicians didn’t have bricks for brains.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.

Bricks could be used to build stronger relationships. But so could bribes.

I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

Viagra increases bloodflow to the penis, but what drug increases bloodflow to the brain?

I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.

To their eyes, I was love. To their ears, I was truth. To their noses, I was anus.

Teamwork: I love the idea of all for one—especially if that one is me.

A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really believe in.

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.

With anything, it either is, or it isn’t. There is no isisn’t. Except for zombies—who are both dead and not dead at the same time.

A blanket could be used to catch a hippopotamus. But you try it out first, and let me know if it works.

My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves.

I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.

A brick could be used as the ultimate bug crusher. But why you’d use a brick as a shoe, I have no idea.

Design your future. Start with a logo.

Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.

A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we could figure out where sleep comes from, we’d know where it goes to while we’re awake, instead of thinking it just...

If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel. So to repay them, I’d probably relocate all the urinals to inside the...

I tried to rinse off in the Shower of Love, but you had used all the hot water. So I just stood there, crying, and peeing on my feet.

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.