Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what...

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.

I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.

The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.

This is my logo for Art and Books

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

I had a dream about you. We were trying to come up with a hashtag to market our relationship. I suggested #fourlipsonekiss and #twomouthsonevoice, but you went with something confusing like #idontloveyou and #wearenotinarelationship.

In times of flattery, the only sin is sincerity.

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

I had a dream about you. We were waiting in line, and you were right in front of me. The line was three people long, and I felt like the bronze medalist of the Checkout...

And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan that looks like green hard candy pieces, about the size of Smarties, and...

I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.

Sure, I’ll have sex with you—for twenty bucks.” Geez! For half that I can get twice the value, in two twins and a ham sandwich down at the trailer park. Sure, the combined age of...

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

I had a dream about you. I was a shoe salesman and you had no feet. I needed to make a sale or I’d be fired, and you needed reliable transportation. I suggested you buy...

The Rockies are the backbone of this country. And I’m no doctor, but I think we have scoliosis.

The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.

When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.

Love is a miracle drug. Shoot it up through your toes, so nobody knows.

I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.

Love is a four-letter word, like frog, only with more kissing and less princing.

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.

If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn’t wear any. I’d go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I’d tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.

I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.

A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

Her love was decaffeinated, and mine wasn’t. Her love was also black, and mine was creamy and sweet. How could she not want to drink it up?

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.

If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if dating a beautiful yellow bulldozer was wise. Is my bulldozer nothing but a...

Coffee is the only brown liquid I’d drink out of a toilet. Well, almost the only one, as I’d drink number two for the number one in my life.

I wanted to make love in the rain, but owing to unfavorable (or, rather favorable) weather conditions, I took to the shower as a suitable substitute.

After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.

I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that’s logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.

I killed my clone. It’s not murder, it’s partial suicide. I want a stiff drink, but not alcohol. I want formaldehyde.

When you use your pen to think, you’re never wasting ink.

Richmond lost his Virginia when he was 1776.

Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening...

It’s easy to say I love you, but much harder to show it. Be bold. Be in love—and show it. Love is like writing—show, don’t tell.

I’m as efficient as a fish ant, I’m as mythical as a productive government employee, and I’m the kind of lover your mother would approve of. Ask her—she’ll tell you how good I am in...