Everything I know about love came out of a vending machine. I’m still waiting on change.

I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.

The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.

I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.

A brick is a polarizing object. Especially if you find it at either the North or the South Pole.

Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.

In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how I can make you feel comfortable.

A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do with the Chinese gymnastics team before I chauffer them around town.

Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.

I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely.

A brick could be a columnist for the New York Times, and could even win a Nobel Prize. And why not? Is that any more absurd than both those things happening for Paul Krugman?

Boats should be shaped more like shoes. Better for dancing. The only thing I’m better at than dancing is making love, and grandmas all over Memphis say they haven’t seen moves like mine since after...

Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.

To say that I grew up without parents is a lie, because I haven’t grown up yet. Also, all six of my potential parental candidates are still alive.

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

Love is two unicorns arguing over which is better: one animal with two horns, like a bull, or two animals with one horn apiece. I guess it doesn’t matter, because you should never debate when...

We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman.

His name was Chase, so of course I ran after him. I wasn’t stalking, I was giving name.

We made love, we drank coffee, and then we went our separate ways. I went west, and she went to hell. Or at least I hope she did.

I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.

Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.

I had a dream about you. You were naked, alone, and a mannequin, and I was a tailor named Taylor. You fell in love with me, even though you knew I only wanted you for...

It’s a conflict of interest, because I’m not interested.

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

I prefer love songs to any other form of torture.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.

I knew I was in love because I had butterflies in my stomach. Also in there I had flowers, a few rainbows, and leftover unicorn from the bbq the day before.

When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead.

I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.

Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very much alive. Or at least it was yesterday, when I went to visit the cemetery.

I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love.

I give everybody my love, and therefore nobody gets my love. I’m freedy—free and greedy.

More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.

My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I paid too much.

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.

After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a few inches beyond my outstretched fingers.

Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

If I met a man who had eleven sons, the first thing I’d ask is, Are they all yours? And of course the next question I’d ask is, which one plays quarterback and which one...

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.