I had a dream about you. I was Nowhere Man, and I was there for you. I was as transparent as the current Presidential administration is invisible to the plight of the poor.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan on utilizing my mattress.

If I were stranded on a desert island, and could have only one person and three things with me, I’d want Nietzsche, a pen, paper, and a stick-on mustache.

300” to be less about fighting, and more about bowling. At least they could have had the Spartans wear bowling shoes.

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

If it’s the last kiss, we’d better make it last. I hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I have the rest of my life free.

When someone I admire turns out to be a rather normal guy, I get offended because it’s an insult to my jealousy.

Rain is a nudist’s shower, and I want a bathtub the size of a lake. Then we could make love like your parents did that one time, nine months before your birth.

I am the bow of love. I’m also the bow of hate. Same spelling, different pronunciations and meanings. Would you like me to gift wrap my greeting?

I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this because my love for you is slightly warmer and newer.

I’m getting gray hair in all sorts of crazy places. Like all over my carpet. It’s like I live in a nursing home, except without all the sex.

You should shoot. I should shoo.

One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.

You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time.

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

I don’t like hot coffee that’s cold, or iced coffee that’s hot. Or leftover love in a rusty thermos.

I saw some kids at an elementary school, and I thought, I wonder if those kids are mine? Any of them—or all of them. It’s possible, because I love making love.

I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills.

My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.

I have a coffee table, but I don’t like it. I think it could use some more cream and sugar. Plus, it’s entirely too liquid to be a functional piece of furniture.

My girlfriend just had a baby. We’ve known each other for six months, so I’m pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another pen, because this one’s not only super glued...

Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.

In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I...

Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.

People are like puzzles. Especially interconnected people, like Siamese twins.

I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!

On my list of things to be when I grew up was a character in a Gary Larson comic. With one of his books in my hands, I would spend hours and hours laughing. And...

I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence leads to diabetes.

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

Love is as iffy as Kipling.

She always looks like she’s about to break into laughter. He always looks like he’s about to break into her house. I don’t care what he takes, so long as it’s me who steals her...

Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?

The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they need to know. However, what they need to know, I do not know.

She said she loves me. Not out loud, but in her mind she said it. I heard it with my heart, telepathically.

I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.

A rose will wilt in short time, but my garden is more vivacious for having one in it. Love is even more fragrant, but often just as fragile and fleeting, but I eagerly accept the...

Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.

He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.

A cat’s meow can be a scream, a laugh, a sigh, a hello, a yes, and even an I love you.

I’m a fountain of knowledge, like a water fountain, only thirstier. And quenchier.

I am the robot in the machine. I eat wires and circuits and I was raised by a single motherboard. I also enjoy my hamburgers with ketchup, mayonnaise, and #FFFF00 mustard.

I pet my cat like a guitar, but I hold him like a stack of musical pancakes.

I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.