Bricks could be used to line the pockets of the politicians, the way the people’s money once was, as we drop them off to search for Atlantis.

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

It was dark in the alley, and I was afraid I’d get mugged. Coffee also fears it’ll get mugged.

I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true.

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

I’d start a war just to illustrate the value of peace.

I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible.

Not too many people are talking about silence. People are suspiciously silent on the subject of silence.

I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.

A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea is ridiculous, because we’re in a drought, and there simply hasn’t been enough...

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

I’ll take away your disillusionment, and replace it with an illusion.

A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that instead. Isn’t it better that I be the one to sit on your...

People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify...

One plus love equals lonely.

A brick could be used for job security, like an employment paperweight. Hey, in this economic depression, I’ll take anything I can get to help me hold down a job.

If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but the only person I’ll let live my life for me is my clone....

I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.

I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.

It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

My love started the day I was born. If you run you can probably catch up. Remember, think marathon—not sprint.

My feelings for her faded from black to red. Was I in love—or in hell?

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the politicians talk, all I hear is them breaking wind through their mouths.

If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because they’re all five minutes fast and I want to know exactly how much...

Dan” in Danger. I’m sorry, Dan.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

I was born in 1982. That’s like 1984, except not so dystopian.

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

Grandma Got Herpes—For A Discount”.

I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all my sobbing, I ended up waking it up.

The fact that we’re not lovers makes us more like bees and flowers than rabbits.

When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased.

I got tapped for the job position. As soon as I felt it on my shoulder, I turned around and my boss told me.

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much...

My love is divided into three parts. I’ll give you part one and two for free, but for the fourth installation, you’ll have to pay for it.

In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I’d like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.

Don’t expect my hand to extend out of her vagina and accept the charity of strangers.

The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the hole, finish burying that dead guy before the cops arrive.

When two are united as one, I’ll be there. And so will someone else.

My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in. (No smoking, please.)

Is talking to your clone like talking to yourself, talking to someone else, both, or in the middle?

die.

If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it.

People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.

I had a dream about you. I was a used car salesman, and you were in the market for a new horse. I suggested we both compromise, and meet in the middle—like the year 1950.

The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that saved all those passengers was my love—and the fact that I know how...