I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.

I’d like to sell mustaches in a can—for the connoisseur consumer and gentleman lover in every woman.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

Some people snort cocaine. I snort powdered love. It’s like powdered sugar, only sweeter.

My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.

I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.

It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.

To their eyes, I was love. To their ears, I was truth. To their noses, I was anus.

A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

Love takes courage, if you’re doing it right. Not the kind of courage a soldier has, but the kind of courage a writer has. Say, I’m a writer, and I’m a lover—therefore I must be...

My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves.

Who’d win in a fight, a tongue twister, or a tornado? How about who’d make a better lover in a diaper, me or Cupid?

If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.

Design your future. Start with a logo.

If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just sit here and continue sipping my mug full of steaming vagina.

The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321...

If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel. So to repay them, I’d probably relocate all the urinals to inside the...

I sat down to think. I didn’t want to drink my coffee, but I paid for it, so I thought I might as well torture myself with it.

He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.

I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.

Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.

I apologized for punching him. I thought he was attacking me with a karate chop disguised as a handshake.

I mined my clone’s thoughts. I hope he doesn’t mind.

The leaves are orange, her hair is orange, and my mood is blue. That reminds me, I really do need to make some more coffee.

Dating is all about getting to know somebody, without wasting a lot of time or money. What is the price of love? You’ve got the cost of dinner, a movie, and cab fare for you...

With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was ahead of their time.

I drink coffee like an alcoholic drinks gasoline. You wouldn’t believe how many gallons my little car can hold.

Love is bringing an empty Tupperware container on your date, not to hold leftovers from dinner, but just in case your date really has to shit.

Everything can be used as a weapon, including love. My love looks like a butter knife, but I assure you, it is quite deadly. I would demonstrate, but I’m right in the middle of making...

If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours.

Mrder—all I need is u.

The rivers are my memory, and I drink them at their basin and remember.

edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors. Did it wrok?

Old habits die hard. Especially if those old habits involve murder and death.

When at a networking event, there’s usually a guy alone in the corner talking to himself. That guy is me. Stop by and say hi. My nametag will say Bob, because even if you’re dyslexic...

Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.

Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

A blanket that has arms to hold you when you are sad, now that’s what I call a comforter.

I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.

My feathery imagination took flight when I saw this photo. I’ll let you imagine what I imagined.

I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.

Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.

I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and the other wing.

My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit.