I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster.

I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your life.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free love. Wait, if it was free, why did I buy it? 1969 ripped...

The way my vacuum cleaner sucks up cat hair, I shouldn’t have been surprised when it huffed up my mustache. But I was surprised it sucked out all the love and romance in our relationship.

I didn’t want to wear a checked shirt and grow a mustache – that’s what you had to do, and everyone did.

Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found, contact Mouth,” and I left my phone number. Nobody’s called. Perhaps the neighborhood cat lady took it in and is petting it on her lap at this...

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.

My mustache is cute and furry, like a cat.

Since I don’t smoke, I decided to grow a mustache – it is better for the health.However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe...

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball....

I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

You sir, are a thief.

I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

I mopped up my moped off the street, and drove home on the unicycle below my handlebar mustache, while I thought about the path love might take now.

I had a dream about you. The sky looked threatening, and hail the size, shape, and color of boxing gloves started pounding us in the face. Luckily my mustache looked like Chuck Norris, and you...

The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the...

With you there are only two distances that matter:Here.Not here.You are not here.

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

If I told you I love you nowHow many seconds would it takeHow long would you allowAll that I am to breakI turn awayBefore you can seeHow badly I need you to stayWith me

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.

His clothes were clean, but his mustache was dirty. He must have used it as a brush to scrub his pants. I’ll bet his coffee tastes like freedom.

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

We’re taking it a hundred miles north. That’s a hundred miles closer to where you are. I’ve decided units and measurements of distance are bullshit.With you there are only two distances that matter:Here.Not here.You are...

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

If love played an instrument, I’ll bet it would be the piano. 88 keys, double infinity, and the ability to chop down trees with a sharpened mustache.

I’m as much a lover as a cumulous cloud is a beard of God. My mustache can’t make rain the way I make love.

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches...

If I were stranded on a desert island, and could have only one person and three things with me, I’d want Nietzsche, a pen, paper, and a stick-on mustache.

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home.

Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink and a kiss combined. It’s like lust overload.

Mark Twain’s Mustache—the World’s Greatest Facial Hair. Or Certainly Top Three, and No Lower Than Number Four.

My voice is raspy, like Rasputin’s beard. My love is like a mustache hidden in a patch of armpit hair. Come, feel what I feel for you.

A black boy brought Wilson’s gin and he sipped it very slowly because he had nothing else to do except to return to his hot and squalid room and read a novel – or a...

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love.

This guy’s got a mustache that’s made for TV. I’ve got a mustache that’s made for radio. I keep it zipped up quiet in my pants, next to my cigar.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22