I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

I had a dream about you. I had a boomerang and you had a Frisbee. You asked if I wanted to play catch, and I said yes. Then you stood around waiting for me to...

It’s a landscape painting of Key West, from the perspective of an optimistic blind man.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

I had a dream about you. You were Mickey Mantle, and I was a fireplace without a mantle. I didn’t like baseball, so I kept telling you that you could do something productive with your...

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.

II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.

She was a tall drink of water, and I was a glass half full kind of guy—half full of lust. Actually, my glass was half full of Kool-Aid powder, which is why I lusted for...

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

A real patriot doesn’t unconditionally stick up for his government—he stands up for freedom.

A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.

Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.

When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

Like a 9-5 business at 4:59 pm, her legs were open.

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.

My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.

Sexy is fine. So is OK.

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don’t we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like,...

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

I make love like Jello-O is liquid. And I masturbate like Jell-O is solid. I’m tired of sex with blow up dolls.

Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I’d like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.

Bees are strange. Pick them up with your genitals. If you want to succeed, you need to go where no man is willing to go, like the women’s restroom.

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.

My love is tube shaped. Don’t let your dad stick his dick in it.

A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give...

A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.

The words I love you, as a unit, are like a knife that only stings once you remove the blade from the relationship.

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

I like grape juice. Fermented grape juice—wine. It’s the drink of choice for champions. I know because I asked a bunch of winners.

Nine out of ten people agree, it was right and just to kill and eat that one guy. That’s love. That’s democracy. That’s a free dinner.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...