I messed around once with a woman named Twice. But it won’t happen a third time.

This is my logo for Steve

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

Pride must be a summer thing, because it “comes before the fall.

I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.

Love is a four-letter word. So is glue, only it isn’t as sticky. And I must admit, I still eat it all the time.

Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue, the last thing I want is more chasing. Let’s cut to the caught.

I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said...

I’ve got a great body. It’s got four wheels under it and I drive it to work. I would give you a ride to work, but what am I, a camel? No, I’m the Love...

She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

She had sexy legs. They were attached to her torso. Or maybe those were her arms.

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But...

There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange floating through the sky.

Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.

I am illiterate. Just not in English.

When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

The only book I’d read in the shower is Naked Lunch, because my bathtub is in the center of my kitchen. I make breakfast like I make love, and sometimes I’m so hungry I make...

All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great...

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet...

Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his chest in protest of any kind of bloodshed.

Most writers might as well write in invisible ink, because if what they’re writing is forgettable, it might as well be invisible too.

I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time.

I want to write a song about one man’s level of commitment called, “I’d walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.

I wouldn’t read Jarod’s writing—not even if he paid me to read it. And he does pay me to read his writing, but that doesn’t mean I do.” Of course the quote continued on, but...

Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.

To save the environment—and my childhood memories, I merged a gas station pump with a jukebox. Look, my car now runs on 80s music!

A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you with the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award. Keep up the great...

I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking?

We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but is 400% less valuable, because a picture only captures one of the senses—sight. However, words can describe the other four senses, making writing four times more potent...

I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I’d reply, “Why thank you. I think I will!

All Quiet on the Western Front.

I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.

I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she...

boo” in book.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

The word “sex” has no sex. It is androgynous and probably asexual. And even though I have sex (my sex is male), I have no sex, despite knowing willing females.

I had a dream about you. You wore a cowboy boot, and I wore a better fitting hat. You were in a white dress, like a wedding dress, only weddinger. I was wearing a twisted...

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

We had sex by the fireplace. I remember because my waxy nipples started dripping on the carpet.

I cry when I think of all the tissues I’ve used over the years and all the trees I’ve killed. The more tears I cry, the more trees I kill, which causes me to cry...

The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority...

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.