1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

Apple Computers is a famous example: it was founded by (mostly Republi­can) computer engineers who broke from IBM in Silicon Valley in the 198os, forming little democratic circles of twenty to forty people with their...

Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.

Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There...

In science common sense is nonsense and nonsense is sense.

Football makes nonsense of class. It may make nonsense of colour in some circumstances.

If you have feelings for someone, let them know. It doesn’t matter if they can be in your life or not. Maybe, it is just enough for both of you to release the truth, so...

Fish fiddle de-dee!

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona...

I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.

Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of...

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

Weird how I can feel so frail and tiny sometimes, and other times so brave and bold and reckless and free, and . . . Does everybody feel the same? When people get grown-up, do...

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

Our steel-tipped step-ladder arrows will let us rescue that injured stork that settled down on top of the obelisk and can’t fly away!

No, that flapping isn’t all the pigeons in the park zeroing in on some spilled popcorn!That antediluvian (old and prehistoric) scream that’s numbing your brain isn’t a subway on a curve!No, it’s the one and...

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

I am the captain of Team Erica. And if your name is Erika, I’m sorry, but you can’t join. Also, anybody named Eric A. is also not eligible.

I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.

I am different, just like everyone else. And as such, I celebrate by being the same. The world won’t see a truly unique person until the first human clone arrives.

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

Much has been said about who we’re not playing, … Now that they’ve heard all this nonsense all summer long ‘ ° we’d better worry about who we’re playing.

Nothing is capable of being well set to music that is not nonsense.

No Blame: The most liberating and empowering day of my life was the day I freed myself from my own self-destructive nonsense.

You are hurrying to the sweet place, To the nonsense chasing your spirit And in the nonsense you look for answers.

The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the...

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

Our brain is so full of nonsense there is no room for common sense.

I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

The right method of philosophy would be this. To say nothing except what can be said, i.e. the propositions of natural science, i.e. something that has nothing to do with philosophy: and then always, when...

What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Chronicler snapped. “You’re just spouting nonsense now.””I’m spouting too much sense for you to understand,” Bast said testily.

Quand celui à qui l’on parle ne comprend pas et celui qui parle ne se comprend pas, c’est de la métaphysiqueWhen he to whom a person speaks does not understand, and he who speaks does...