I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, just in case I have to pee quickly (at above 65 miles per hour).

People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as...

I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.

Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.

[Obituary of atheist philosopher Richard Robinson]An Atheist’s Values is one of the best short accounts of liberalism (a term Robinson accepted) and humanism (a term he ignored) produced during the present century, all the more...

Rest assured you make perfectly good nonsense. I understand you one-hundred-percent not at all.

rather babble away and at least partially express something difficult than reproduce impeccable clichés

Everything in life is nonsense. It’s just a question of perspective.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Jacksonville was founded by a man named Jack. Jack’s last name wasn’t Sonville, as you’d expect. Oddly, Jack’s last name was Fatherville, but since Jack was himself a bastard, he found the name Jackfatherville to...

When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.

Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.

I’m afraid it’s not nonsense,” Genghis said, shaking his turbaned head and continuing his story. “As I was saying before the little girl interrupted me, the baby didn’t dash off with the other orphans. She...

Bureaucracies force us to practice nonsense. And if you rehearse nonsense, you may one day find yourself the victim of it.

The world is naturally averse to all truth it sees or hears but swallows nonsense and a lie with greediness and gluttony.

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through our ears.

Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote...

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

If you want sense, you’ll have to make it yourself.

Because man’s being is made of strange stuff….

He is as good as anybody in this parish! He is very particular, too, about going to church-yes, he is!”I am afeard nobody ever saw him there. I never did, certainly.”The reason of that is,’...

There is already enough chattering nonsense on the ground. Do we really need aviaries in pressurised tin cans at 30,000 feet as well ?

I’m not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I’d probably reply, “Two gallons of milk and a midget.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then I’ll offer each one of them one magical night of sex with me,...

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

Focus your attention on the quality of your words, and not the quantity, because few sensible talks attracts millions of listeners more than a thousand gibberish.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

At the Temple of the Seven-Handed Sek a hasty convocation of priests and ritual heart-transplant artisans agreed that the hundred-span-high statue of Sek was altogether too holy to be made into a magic picture, but...

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

I tie my smile like a shoelace.

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

Virgina Woolf versus Edward Lear.””Christ Alive,” said Billy. “Are those my only choices?””I went for Lear,” said Leon. “Partly out of fidelity to the letter L. Partly because given the choice between nonsense and boojy...

I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.

She wore tight corsets to give her a teeny waist – I helped her lace them up – but they had the effect of causing her to faint. Mom called it the vapors and said...