I don’t know if you’ve ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant experience, as I’m sure you can imagine.

I was going to write that all your clothes fall off, but figured you may have a problem with that. This was the second thing that came to mind.”(Karl and Elena)

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

It’s supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button.

I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

But even if they could go home it would be difficult for me to tell you what the moral of the story is. In some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears’, for...

Well,’said Ernest, ‘by some strange coincidence I know this story.’Boddichek was not good at irony. ‘I knew that there was that possibility,’ he said, ‘but we have a great new way to treat it, and...

Le pays est devenue un territoire où les mathématiques ressemblent un jeu d’enfants: les actifs additionnent et les retraités soustraient.

Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the real world or fictional,” I insisted. “Crushes are the best part of liking someone, and they are completely safe. You get all the benefits of fantasising about someone, but...

C’est pas assez que tous tu dis c’est de la merde, François? Tu veux coucher dans la merde, aussi?

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I’m no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana’s virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a...

Drafting is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge.The closer you get to the end, the more you start to worry about the beginning.

Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, “Would you like to see my plate?

I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

It’s a long story. Want a refill?””No, let’s start the steak. Where’s the button?””Right here.””Well, push it.””Me? You offered to cook.””Ben Caxton, I will lie here and starve before I will get up to push...

We live in different times. I would not have described London as a city of gun-toters but that was when Londoners still said sorry when you knock them over and called cappuccinos fluffy coffees &...

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who...

I think Amy Winehouse’s decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, “Ooh, look! A tunnel!...

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had...

Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and she said, “Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder,” and her five year...

Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She’d seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said...

Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up...

Nice work,” I commented drily. “How old was that littlest one? Five? Did she put up a terrible fight?””I feared for my life,” Zach said with a perfectly straight face. “You must be bored, Julia....

I am a perfectionist in spirit

I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Before I was ordained, when I was working for the council, I thought of the first three months of the year as January, February, March. Now I think of them as Epiphany, Candlemas and Ash...

I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around.

It’s good to let your mind wonder, as long as you know where it’s going

Just because you said dragon demons were extinct—””I said mostly extinct.”Alec jabbed a finger toward him.”Mostly extinct,” he said, his voice trembling with rage, “is NOTEXTINCT ENOUGH.””I see,” said Jace. “I’ll just have them change...

Has Solan addled your brain?

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

die Schwachen ein,” – the vulnerable one – after he cried like a child when he sliced two, thin strips of skin off his own index finger using a cheese grater (accidentally) one night when...

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don’t ever ask for a doggie bag.

There is a certain amount which I shan’t mention publicly,” Elizabeth said. “Things about Lucia which I should never dream of stating openly.””Those are just the ones I should like to hear about most,” said...

Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant…Assistant: Charmed, I’m sureHost: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the...

Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?” said a cold, drawling voice.Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.”Yeah, reckon so,” said Harry casually.”Got plenty of special features, hasn’t...