Time cleaning was less time reading, so I usually just did the minimal amount, and left it for another day, a day that would never come.

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old “face” from the sixties a pin up gangster with a “mars bar” weal scraping his left cheek and of course two “wag” slags in tow trussed...

The varying physical characteristics of the actors may also necessitate changes. Sean Connery is six feet four. Dustin Hoffman isn’t.

Newton Pulsifer had never had a cause in his life. Nor had he, as far as he knew, ever believed in anything. It had been embarassing, because he quite wanted to believe in something, since...

Oh, I wasn’t saying no,” Mistress Weatherwax said, taking two large pickled cucumbers.

How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don’t think you can beat my vibrator.

Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.

I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none.

This was fast becoming messy war with our hall now covered in foam and a puddle of green slime…

Try jogging when following your heart, it’s healthier

Christmas comes but once a year, starts in August ends in July

We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can’t even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You’re about a hundred and I’m a...

When he didn’t answer, she didn’t know if it was because he couldn’t or if he was back to not talking to her. Back to pushing her out of his life.Men! Why was it that...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

There is much to discover that’s not on the back cover!

On the doorstep Adele met Tony Limpsfield. She hurried him into her motor, and told the chauffeur not to drive on.”News!” she said. “Lucia’s going to have a lover.””No!” said Tony in the Riseholme manner”But...

Knock yourself out… Or rather, don’t.

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she’d fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew...

No,” he said, “look, it’s very, very simple … all I want … is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen.” And he sat. He told...

What’s a Dullahan?”He’s a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.”Headless?”Yes.”Seriously?”Yes.”So he has no head?”That’s usually what headless means.”No head at all?”You’re really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren’t you?”It’s just kind...

Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag?

He continued to attack the gate. His arm started to ache. The hammer was designed for neither brute nor force. “Are you all right up there?” asked Eleanor. “Want me to go see if I...

You forgot something important!-What?-It’s under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!

Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they’ll be even more frightened of marriage than they are presently.

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

Words were insufficient for the elevation of his [Mr Collins’] feelings; and he was obliged to walk about the room, while Elizabeth tried to unite civility and truth in a few short sentences.

Maxim 6: If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman especially, if she have the...

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, converting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and...

It made Craze smile, despite wishing most of his body parts would find new homes and leave him in peace.

Big flashy things have my name written all over them. Well… not yet, give me time and a crayon.

Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.

The thing about changing the world… Once you do it, the world’s all different.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

A sense of humour is a sense of proportion.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. ‘So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.’ With a tombstone next to it.

I tried to make sense of things. Now that I think about it, I have always tried. It could be my epitaph. LEO GURSKY: HE TRIED TO MAKE SENSE.

Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through.

Some people have great ideas maybe once or twice in their life, and then they discover electricity or fire or outer space or something. I mean, the kind of brilliant ideas that change the whole...

I am the sum of my past experience.Some people have got a lot to answer for.

At my lowest point, when things were at their most desperate and uncomfortable, I always found myself in the company of Australians, who were like a reminder that I’d touched bottom.

All he wanted was enough time to consider all his options without being dragged into his household’s petty squabbles or being nagged by his wife about that damnable pilgrimage. Was that so much to ask?Apparently...

People say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. It’s not. It’s eye bloody spy.

You can’t possibly be afraid of trees.

Truly,” remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, “it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress.” “Well, hang in there. The night is young.

Why?”Because I know it’ll annoy the shit out of you.