A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate’s clothes, but it didn’t make me Kate.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

…some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling…

Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been...

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

It is one of the benchmarks of a culture I always think – the page at which it operates. A good way to measure it is to order a taxi and see how irate local...

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She’s soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch...

Dor woke again as dawn came. The sun had somehow gotten around to the east, where the land was, and dried off so that it could shine again.

—Cuando me ponga en contacto con usted le propondré que nos tuteemos, ,le parece?—Encantado de haberte conocido.

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

Erm…I don’t know maybe for kissing me and tasting so damn delicious, maybe for holding my hand in public, maybe for looking far too hot in that sexy, snug tee when you should just be...

I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal Bullshit.

I wouldn’t have minded school if they taught you important things like how to have good sex and what brand of wine is the best… But for some reason they were hell bent on teaching...

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”(The Decider, July 21, 2007)

You can’t always be right, but you can be wrong a lot less

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

I’m sorry to disturb you, madam,’ said Nurse, ‘but I thought I’d better speak to you. It’s about Miss Delia’s knickers’ she continued, after a glance at the Vicar and a rapid decision that his...

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won’t open it first.

I’m the top of my class, auntie, thank you, and I am very good. And now let us have a little talk about you, aunt, dear. How much money have you got, and have you...

The Major’s laughter boomed out again.”And I never kept a diary in my life!” he cried. “Why there’s enough cream in this situation to make a dishful of meringues. You and I, you know, the...

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems – as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Jesus.

On peut rire de tout mais pas avec n’importe qui.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

If you cannot laugh frequently and genuinely, you have no soul.

A halo is a cock ring for the soul.

My name is Mr Bread.” He began writing his name neatly on the board. “But you can call me Peter.”Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.”Pita Bread!” proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the...

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

If it’s God you’re worried about, the Lord Jesus said that we needn’t keep to the old ways anymore. They had their day years ago.

Rhiannon’s Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.””Dustoff? You’re going to run away from three guys?””No, I’m going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

Everybody’s drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS!

It’s unwise to pay too much, but it’s worse to pay too little. Whenyou pay too much, you lose a little money – that’s all. When you paytoo little, you sometimes lose everything, because the...

Grandma’s house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.

There’s a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called ‘fan fiction’.

When will the Home Office realize that when judges retire, not only are they sent home for the rest of their lives, but the only people they have left to judge are their innocent wives.”So...