Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. – T-shirt

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star Spangled Banner’, but in fact the message was this: So long and...

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

I make my way back whistling. Gerry nods towards Mrs Brady who is standing beside the trolleys.Morning, Mrs Brady, I say cheerfully.I push her provisions out to the car.Things are something terrible, she says. You...

Jesus paid for our sins, so let’s get our money’s worth.

Just because I’m insane doesn’t mean I have to act all crazy.

No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands… that can do your brain.

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

He was lonely. I could see that. He was working his butt off-and mine, too-in the hope that a million rupees might sort out his sex life. I prayed to Buddha he would be successful....

Maxim 37: There is no “overkill”. There is only “open fire” and “time to reload”.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

I don’t think I’d want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to...

We came from nothing, we’ll leave with nothing; might as well make the most of the brief somethingness in between

Cat, you asked me before to find out if those dream -suppression pills had any side effects. I’ve checked with Pathology, and they said you might experience depression, mood swings, irritability, paranoia, and chronic fatigue....

Unexpected Elizabeth wasn’t falling into his arms as he’d anticipated, even after he had acted heroic and been valiantly injured. Perhaps he had lost her.

There was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don’t… I don’t know.” “Well, what’s different?” “Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans...

That’s great, Grace, but in case you’ve forgotten, we’re supposed to kill vampires, not play nice and have lunch with them. – Archer

No, little one, George’s ghost won’t come back. Human beings don’t have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.””How can you say that?” protested Mopple. “We don’t know whether humans have souls or not.””Every lamb knows...

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I’ve decided to go with L-Board...

If you’re working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That’s why I believe there should be a psychiatrist...

I’m holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I’ve made friends with space hamsters. I think we’ve stretched believability rather far, don’t you?

Yes. We will live the rest of our lives in hell. It’s not so bad: as long as you’re prepared for it, you can live anywhere.

Foolish potato, talking to her like that won’t work. You’ve got to be mean and show off your foil-wrapped rigidity.

Michael: “Thing is, I’d like to go out with you. What are you doing on Saturday?”Siobhan: “Committing suicide.”Michael: “Alright then, what are you doing on Friday?”(from Stormling, 2014)

… all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made...

I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy.

More like an offer I’m hoping you can’t refuse.

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

Your sister and I were just makin’ out.

We’ve determined that Ms. Hauptman is a potential threat to the public safety, and we are bringing her in as a murder suspect who has supernatural powers that make her too dangerous to be incarcerated...

It’s a long story. Want a refill?””No, let’s start the steak. Where’s the button?””Right here.””Well, push it.””Me? You offered to cook.””Ben Caxton, I will lie here and starve before I will get up to push...

We live in different times. I would not have described London as a city of gun-toters but that was when Londoners still said sorry when you knock them over and called cappuccinos fluffy coffees &...

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who...

I think Amy Winehouse’s decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, “Ooh, look! A tunnel!...

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had...

Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and she said, “Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder,” and her five year...

Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She’d seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said...

Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up...

Nice work,” I commented drily. “How old was that littlest one? Five? Did she put up a terrible fight?””I feared for my life,” Zach said with a perfectly straight face. “You must be bored, Julia....

I am a perfectionist in spirit

I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Before I was ordained, when I was working for the council, I thought of the first three months of the year as January, February, March. Now I think of them as Epiphany, Candlemas and Ash...

I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around.

It’s good to let your mind wonder, as long as you know where it’s going

Just because you said dragon demons were extinct—””I said mostly extinct.”Alec jabbed a finger toward him.”Mostly extinct,” he said, his voice trembling with rage, “is NOTEXTINCT ENOUGH.””I see,” said Jace. “I’ll just have them change...