I’m hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that’ll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life.”...

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a...

But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?

She spoke under her breath to Nick. “Is there a reason he’s only wearing one sock?” “He puked on his foot.” “Oh.” She turned back to Huxley. “Can we get you another sock? Maybe a...

Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

Ease off the martyr throttle.

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle!But a vemon was a made creature, as if one took...

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Never can tell when you might come on somebody needs skinning.

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it’s usually the ones that are requited that get people in trouble.

A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I swear.’He grunted. ‘Like I’ve never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira’s daughter.”Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good...

Solve this, pink-haired lady.

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship...

Imran you’re tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it’s not a type of dinosaur.

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I’ve been struck by horny lightning.

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you’re a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in...

A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a good supply of hand wipes in her bag.

If worry were an effective weight-loss program, women would be invisible.

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to ‘blow me.

Wow,” Jake said, his face going blank. “Assface. Is that a technical term? Maybe some kind of psychiatric diagnosis I’m not familiar with?

Jane: “Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our virginity together. He never called me again and actually turned on his heel...

I knew there was something peculiar about you,” she said. “And I mean that as the highest compliment.” I’d always known I was strange. I never dreamed I was peculiar.

Kissing Red must’ve killed off some of your brain cells,” Ryder decided. “You can tell a woman what to do—if you play it right—and maybe, maybe half the time she’d do it, or something close...

I took your name when I took those vowsI meant ’em back then and I mean ’em right now.

If only, I thought, I could talk to Eugene just one more time. This was before I came to understand that you cannot make someone fall in love with you But here’s what you can...

It is a tedious cliché (and, unlike many clichés, it isn’t even true) that science concerns itself with how questions, but only theology is equipped to answer why questions. What on Earth is a why...

Really?” I yelled.Horus didn’t answer

With a regrettable sigh he shook his head.”I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to work out.””What the hell are you doing, Trevor?” Hankdemanded anxiously. No doubt the manwouldn’t be getting laid tonight, but Trevorcouldn’t help...

You got off on the wrong foot. I merely watched you shove it into your mouth.

SHUT UP!…PADDLE!

Avoid assholes” was popular.

Am I a human? Yes. Then I like The Princess Bride.

You know, you’re rather amusingly wrong.

Artie: It’s in here.Jim: Let’s check this [box] first, Artie.Artie: Oh. [Finding a fake Sword of Kuniyoshi] Phony! How do you like that? Phony!Jim: Artie…so are our bonds.Artie: Oh. You can’t trust anybody these days.Wild...

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

The richest people in the world build networks and invest in people; everyone else looks for work and invests in survival.

Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy.

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. “I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into town to get some new clothes. Otherwise, the first time she takes a deep breath, that dress...

I got hard and he was there and the next thing I knew he was on his knees. I mean, I was going to step away, but he licked me.

What do they say about meeting a bear in the woods? Oh right, you shouldn’t. And to make sure you don’t, you should make a lot of noise so that they’ll will know where you...

I wanted to find my voice, so I sat in silence.I wanted joy, so I cried my heart open.I wanted wisdom, so I capered in bodacious foolishness.I wanted freedom, so I felt my bonds.

Age is of no importance.Unless you are a piece of cheese.

In 2015 tattoos are more permanent than marriages

You can’t oversleep if you don’t make plans to wake up early.