She had sexy legs. They were attached to her torso. Or maybe those were her arms.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

Why hasn’t someone lassoed a few teenagers and had them sit down and write out all the supposed answers they have so we can solve the world’s problems already?

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

Does the king know you’re back?””Nope! I’m trying to think of a properly dramatic way to inform him. Perhaps a hundred chasmfiends marching in unison, singing an ode to my magnificence.””That sounds… hard.””Yeah, the storming...

I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered.””What! How long has it been?””Five minutes. I got bored.

Who’d win in a fight, a tongue twister, or a tornado? How about who’d make a better lover in a diaper, me or Cupid?

I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.

You know how to shoot?”- Emma”Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert.” – Heather”What happened to him?” -Shanna”He was…shot.” -Heather

I need a tube-shaped bathtub, to play the tuba in. I make love like I make music—in a shower that’s in a phone booth that’s in 1981, the year before I was born.

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

People will tell you what to do. Don’t listen them. Do what is right and what you love. Ultimately they would have to agree with you. Be a trend setter

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

Vaughn folded his arms. ‘The reason why you’ve lasted longer than most of your erstwhile colleagues is because you don’t do drama. I don’t like drama. I get enough drama at home. My wife could...

Vanessa Sky Ellis scours the streets of NYC looking for celebrities to take selfies with, while I scrounge up quarters to try to buy love out of vending machines. I have had sex with more...

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Louie was furious at the sharks. He had thought that they had an understanding:The men would stay out of the sharks’ turf – the water – and the sharks would stay off of theirs –...

Some enterprising rabbit had dug its way under the stakes of my garden again. One voracious rabbit could eat a cabbage down to the roots, and from the looks of things, he’d brought friends. I...

If you party, then I Ben. I’ve been Benning since the beginning. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you are not alone. And thank God, because is there any worse feeling than being...

You know what would help?” I asked, not meeting his eyes.”Hmm?””If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down.”Dimitri laughted. “Your worst class is...

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way...

I don’t fear death–I fear dying before I’ve read Dickens end to end.

I had one class in the morning, the mysteriously named “Further Maths”. It was two hours long and so deeply frightening that I think I went into a trance.

Her love was decaffeinated, and mine wasn’t. Her love was also black, and mine was creamy and sweet. How could she not want to drink it up?

I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!

When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.And nearly choked to death.It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to...

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do....

I had a dream about you, You were peeing behind a house and when I approached you, you smiled and said to me “Your face makes me happy” I was so flattered by your words...

How many kids are in the Graveyard?””A bunch.””Who sends your supplies?””George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.””How often do you receive new arrivals?””About as often as you beat your wife.

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?

He’s very annoying.

I was an abusive, selfish, needy, angry asshole. Now I’m just kind of selfish, a little less angry, occasionally needy, with flights of asshole. I’ve grown.

I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

I had a dream about you. The Tuesdays were outside of my castle demanding that I hand you over to them. They weren’t seeking justice—they were out for vengeance. You were Wendy Wednesday, the last...

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

Why do you tell me you love me only when you’re drunk or dreaming? she asked. I have awful timing, said Simon

We should all just face reality and stop taking our meals together.

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

Many have balls but only a few have heart.

Teagan: How long has it been since you read a book that didn’t havevampires in it?Abby: They write books with no vampires? Wait…the penguins made us read that Shakesrear guy, right?Teagan: Shakespeare.

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. “if you were a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.””yes,” said jace. “or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.