Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

She looked like a dead Teletubby.

You like them,” I realized.Noah’s eyebrows lifted in question.”Like as people.””As opposed to…furniture?””They’re my PARENTS.””That is my understanding, yes.

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

Nadie parece haber caído en cuenta de que si la existencia es absurda, lograr en ella un éxito brillante no tiene más valor que fracasar por completo.

She wasn’t the only one to be physically morphed by reader expectation. Miss Havisham was now elderly whether she liked it or not, and Sherlock Holmes wore a deerstalker and smoked a ridiculously large pipe....

I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage – but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly...

Why is it that all cars are women?” he asked. “Because they’re fussy and demanding,” answered Zee. “Because if they were men, they’d sit around and complain instead of getting the job done,” I told...

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

I’d been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

Go naked. Trust me, if you don’t have a thing to wear, that’s the obvious choice.

In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.

You don’t have the courage of a half-bred mongrel.

See Amazon’s bio on don loedding and a review of his first book of short stories”The Search For the Bearded Clam” and read inside “Global Warming:The Iceman Cometh”.

I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. “Is that a coatrack?”Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. “If you’d been...

I give up. What’s the use of having a man in the house?

I’m claustrophobic. Your love is suffocating me and making me panic like the Crash of ’29. Just give me some space, and soon I’ll be all 1930 and we can try to make things work.

The monkey didn’t help matters any. He was sitting on top of the microbus, just watching the undead plunge to their end. His face appeared so serene, so intelligent, as if he truly understood the...

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

I box in yellow Gox box socks.

I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.

Ever director has at least 10 bad films in them.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to “bite you” and threatening to kick them until they’re dead.

Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

Once you start, you just can’t stop.

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?””I care” Simon said gloomily. “Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

He snuffles. Oh, no.He’s not going to cry, is he? Because even though it’s sweet when guys cry, I am so not prepared for this.Girl scouts didn’t teach me what to do with emotionally unstable...

Hate people on an individual basis only – you must actually get to know someone at least slightly before you can properly hate him or her.

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you’re some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

I think I might be bi-polar. It’s not normal to be this emotionally unstable.

Things will happen that you can’t prevent, things will fall apart that you can’t hold together, but ultimately you’re shaping yourself and that final product speaks volumes about who you really are, not what people...

This person has hoped and dreamed and now it is really happening and this person can hardly believe it. But believing is not an issue here, the time for faith and fantasy is over, it...

Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers for America’s current monetary nightmare.

Love is two spirits occupying one bottle of spirit. You’ve got to be 21 to drink of me.

Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, any book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient...

Then make sure nothing happens to you. This Kingdom needs a Queen who can show these men we’re not all delicate little flowers.

When at a networking event, there’s usually a guy alone in the corner talking to himself. That guy is me. Stop by and say hi. My nametag will say Bob, because even if you’re dyslexic...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.