Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack

I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

We’ll know we’ve built a machine that’s truly alive when it commits suicide.

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. ‘I see that my period of intellectual respite has come...

You’re only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds

Robert Ingersoll’s character was as nearly perfect as it is possible for the character of mortal man to be… none sweeter or nobler had ever blessed the world. The example of his life was of...

The afternoon’s glory was tainted by the voice on the other end. “I was so very sorry not to have the pleasure of meeting you, Mr. Haines. You’re not living up to your part of...

When people say there is no place like home, the first to agree are the homeless.

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

The kingdom of intelligence officially isn’t within you.

Belatedly, Clary recalled something. “I thought you guys said only some of the vampire bikes could fly?”…[Jace:]”Only some of them can!” “How did you know this was one of them?” “I didn’t!” he shouted gleefully…

My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I’m going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step...

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find...

When love knocked at my door, I prayed to God and thanked Him for letting me live in a Porta-potty.

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

I thought she was sexy until I noticed she had a beard.

People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it’s enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

You may think that you don’t need to worry about actually learning the grammar rules because spell check and grammar check will come to your rescue. And I get it: spell check and grammar check...

Can’t we make a blusterer ourselves? asked Jón Hreggviðsson. Can’t we scratch that damned sign with the ax-point onto the chopping block and get a beautiful, chubby woman in here tonight, right now-or preferably three?...

Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they’re not absurd.

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

Girls, if a boy says something that isn’t funny, you don’t have to laugh.

I am Trella the victorious leader of the Force of Sheep rebellion. Yes the name sounds ridiculous, and I still can’t believe we named a major life changing event after livestock—or actually a stuffed animal—but...

In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.

His haircut looked like a spinning Frisbee on his forehead, and that’s why I fell in love. Because his girlfriend got tired of stray dogs trying to catch his face, and she liked that I...

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in...

Jarod, when are you going to stop mooching off your mother and me?

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the...

That’s like leaping off a precipice and trying to knit yourself a parachute on the way down.

I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

I combined a unicycle with coffee table legs. You know, for balance and sexual stamina. I make love like I’m at the drive-thru, and I am, because I’m in a rush and I don’t have...

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

Executive Intelligence Summary: Machine out of order. New order, on order.

Sence and Sensibility, for instance, came out in three separate volumes, as did Pride and Prejudice (so the next time you read one of the ubiquitous time-travel Austen adaptations and somebody picks up a single-volume...

Twittering just seemed to be people telling other people what they were doing–getting in the shower, making coffee. Who on earth wanted to know these things?…Babble and twitter. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.

There’s probably a word for that,” but there’s probably a word for that.

I am two Jennifers away from making love to an Emily. It always seems like two people with one name are constantly standing in the way of my dreams. I wish they’d step aside so...

A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call me the Molly Brown of the Brown-water Bathtub. Also, I hate ice in...

Cause I’m Irish, and everyone remembers me.

Shhh, it’s okay Cait, Daddy will be back. I am going to take care of you, just like Uncle Drake takes care of Mommy. Shhh honey, you don’t need to cry,”Jaks whispered.

(Parody that is often falsely believed to be a true quote of Mariah Carey’s) Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean...