I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in...

Outnumbered again. Come in and feed the face.

You’ve brushed your teeth,” He says, staring at me.”I used your toothbrush.”His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?

Your pants didn’t get smaller, Mommy,” I assured her. “Your butt got bigger.

First, I’m not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn’t have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have...

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,’ I said. ‘By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes:...

Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention.

To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.

it was the hardest frost recorded since 1786.” It is just the same with wars. The war in progress is either the most righteous or the bloodiest, or the most successful, or the longest, since...

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

Jason hated being an old man.

If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all.

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.

In New York I’d go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I’ve upped it to six or seven, mainly because I’m too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the...

I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

Do not mess with this man’s threads!

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.

It’s a very remarkable story.””Remarkable’s a well-chosen word. It doesn’t give you away.

Yeah! Bring it on lake!” -Coach Gleeson Hedge

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.

In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks like me, but I won’t vote for him, because I always vote for...

I invited a few people to help celebrate your birthday,” Cameron said sheepishly. She threw up her hands. “Surprise.””We sort of come with the package,” Collin explained. “Think of it as a collective gift from...

I didn’t want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let the world know you’re serious.

The ocean swells around us. Sometimes, we are in a bowl of water and sometimes on the top of the lip. The horizon curves.We are sitting on top of the world.In theory, anyone is on...

I hold my cats like any other broom you’d use to sweep the floor. I’m a janitor among animal lovers.

I hate when a manager falls in love with an employee. Well, if she won’t date me, I just won’t put her on the schedule. If she won’t give me the time of day, I...

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.

EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

REFUSALWhen you refuseto tell your weightand age,people knowyou’re fat and old.

It’s like smoking compost through a raccoon.

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.

Six months ago when she first came up with the idea to kill Wilson, back when she was living in Memphis, she’d started going to church again. Since she was spending so much time thinking...

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.