There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

Here’s to another year and let’s hope it’s above ground.

There is no future. You’ll see.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

There are more than enoughto fight and oppose;why waste good timefighting the people you like?

Damn it! It was a stupid plan!” Uri swung an arm around behind himself and his bag being the nearest object in reach, swung it across the room with as much force as he could...

Merlin’s pants!” shrieked Hermione, jumping up and running from the room.”Merlin’s pants?” repeated Ron, looking amused. “She must be really upset.

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

Klaus: Oh, come on. Take a chance, Caroline. Talk to me. Come on, get to know me. I dare you.Caroline: Fine. So, what do you wanna talk about?Klaus: I wanna talk about you. (Caroline scoffs)...

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

Humor and paradox are often the only ways to respond to life’s sorrow with grace.

Sometimes people are often confused between attitude and style. Nevermind, I’m Awesome.

Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?

To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.

Perhaps the most irrational fashion act of all was the male habit for 150 years of wearing wigs. Samuel Pepys, as with so many things, was in the vanguard, noting with some apprehension the purchase...

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Rainier” A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be...

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

I thought you said you were the one in charge!” Ce’Nedra exclaimed.I lied.” Silk said. “It’s a vice I have.

It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

Those with all the answers have not asked enough questions.

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I’d be a politician.

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my...

You’ll be bereft without me.

You think I’d cheat on you?” I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.”With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables… There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of...

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Just know I amNot there to catch youBut I am there for you

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.

Whether you think you’re right or you think you’re wrong. You’re right.””If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint.

There’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork, greatest of Discworld cities.At least, there’s a saying that there’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.And it’s wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork,...

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

Whaaaaaat is going on?” May whispered out of the corner of her mouth.”I’m sort of comforted by the fact that I can’t figure it out,” Jack responded.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

Sillman looked at his interrogator with hopeless eyes. ‘I think while I was passed out, I dreamed about my mom’s gingerbread cookies. Maybe the guy who knocked on the glass was eatin’ one.’ ‘Mm,’ said...

My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.

Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I’m the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha–wha’d you say? A rescuer isn’t supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why...

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.