If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.

Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after...

If somebody says ‘I love you’ to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? ‘I...

I had a dream about you. Half the people wanted to kill me, and half the people wanted me as their President. It was up to you whether I lived or reigned, and you made...

I must have told her I loved her a thousand times. But none of that matters now that she has discovered that I told her best friend I loved her a thousand and one times.

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

So-called intellectuals conceptualize love; fools just love.Fools breathe air; intellectuals (so called) breathe ego.

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.

They were going to expel me. Mom convinced them not to… and got them to apologize,” Fern said, almost embarrassed.Really?” Eddie said. “See, Sammy, you don’t mess with the Commander, do you?” Eddie playfully hit...

I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if I was a dentist, and I wondered why more people didn’t brush their...

Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.

I’m not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics...

He didn’t care if I hated him, only that I did as I was told.

My rapier wit hides my inner pain.

Homo sapiens is one of the few species on earth that care if they’re seen having sex. The impala is unconcerned. The dingo roundly flaunts it. A masturbating chimpanzee will stare straight at you. To...

I had a dream about you. I was a shoe salesman and you had no feet. I needed to make a sale or I’d be fired, and you needed reliable transportation. I suggested you buy...

I had a dream about you two. You both looked like John Travolta, but you danced like Scientology in a can.

His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound better to her.

Leo couldn’t help smiling. “That could be fun.””Fun” she said unhappily.”Blue elephants.””Blue elephants.””Kiss me you fool.””You fool.

When Mama starts to move across a room, people pay attention. You can never be sure she’s not going to grab you by the top of the head to steady herself. And she’s pretty free...

Hiram!’ Shelton ran to Hi’s side. ‘Aren’t you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!”Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.’ He winced as Shelton poked his belly. ‘But I’m not...

When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.

The whole world is dying. Just too slowly and naturally for my liking. Somebody should poison the food by genetically modifying it somehow. But even if that happened, nobody would be stupid enough to buy...

I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you are, Greg Louganis?

Outnumbered again. Come in and feed the face.

I can’t believe he didn’t have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,” said Jace. “I must say, I’m disappointed in the little fellow.

His sentences didn’t seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.

If your TV is broken, don’t get a new one—get a new hobby: reading.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

Sometimes you feel as though you’ve slandered yourself, but the joke’s on them.

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,’ I said. ‘By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes:...

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

The therapist, he thought, and it bothered him a lot more than it should have. After all, he had nothing permanent with Sophie. He just needed to touch her on a semiregular basis or he...

If you think the human body is beautiful, you haven’t met my uncle Melvin. His cam session starts at 6:00 if you wanna see.

When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.

Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites.

Jason hated being an old man.

No, I don’t want you to leave. I’m just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE

If you drink much from a bottle marked ‘poison’ it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

Look how old you are and you’ve hardly made a dent in them. I’ll admit, you seem to have zeal nailed, as well as faith and temperance. Self control? I’ve got my doubts based on...

I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered “All of them,” you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father’s pillowcase.

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries....

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: ‘No room! No room!’ they cried out when they saw Alice coming. ‘There’s plenty of room!’ said...

You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your mouth, and non organic tastes like a thirty second tape recording that’s been...

I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can.