Playing basketball, I blew out my knee like it was a birthday candle. Sports are so much more fun to play when sitting at a table and opening presents and eating cake.

That’s the problem with this never-ending centipede of lemmings, Beck. You know they’re all pussies, each and every one of ’em. They buy these books to get scared because their lives are too easy. How...

A vine from one tree shot out, tripping Blaise. He and Merewyn rolled to the ground. Varian stood between them and the trees, which shot blast after blast at him. He deflected them, but even...

You were torturing a cat,” she says. “With a freaking prod.””A prod I built myself in metal shop,” he says. “But of course you never mention that.

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

This leather chair belongs to me. I would let you sit in it, but you can’t sit in an idea.

I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents’ prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .

When media distorts the truth, it’s only responding in kind.

If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week...

He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he’s pleasuring himself.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

They had not been long there before Lord Dumbello did group himself. ‘Fine day,’ he said, coming up and occupying the vacant position by Miss Grantly’s elbow.’We were driving to-day and we thought it rather...

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

No, I’m not.

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

I love you more, dumb ass.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Twitter: Up to the minute details that are minute. I’d like to update and reaffirm my love for you every sixty seconds.

It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case...

I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

Everything good I have written about can be summed up in two words: Ryan Lilly.” That’s a real quote I read in a real book. Trust me, I’m a writer.

I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. “Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren’t winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon… except as a comic...

Who is this man?”Chinaman, or rather half Chinese and half German. Got a daft name. Calls himself Doctor No – Doctor Julius No.”No? Spelt like Yes?”That’s right.

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

I don’t know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

I’m growing a love seat in my heart. It’s leather and covered in fur, from a mix up with my cat’s back, some glue, my tongue, and my confusion over how to best clean the...

It’s a dirty way to fight, but I’m late for lunch.”- Valek to Yelena

No one likes a person that “should of” all over the place.

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.

Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven mitts, because they’re sure to be hot.

But what would they have said to their Liaison? It’s like this, Meg. We didn’t like that Asia Crane, so we ate her. When dealing with humans, honesty isn’t always the best policy, Vlad thought

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

Hey, Alec,” he said.The man was on his hands and knees, leaning his face into the middle of a bush; he grunted something that kind of sounded like a “Yeah?””Why are we spending so much...

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

Here was a flower (the daisy reflected) strangely like itself and yet utterly unlike itself too. Such a paradox has often been the basis for the most impassioned love.

In Russia, meanwhile, dedicated young people kept trying to kill the tsar.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone’s orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:The past, present, and future walk into a bar—it was tense.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.

Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.

I don’t get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can’t understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field–court–to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in...

Read that dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field when urinating or defecating. Trying it myself this week – so far so good!