Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

World’s Smallest Indoor Cocktail Party” takes place in an Alaskan igloo when two midgets and an Inuit get together to drink a combination of cologne, hairspray, and cough syrup.

Men don’t ask other men if they’re getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged.

It is not the destination where you end up but the mishaps and memories you create along the way!

healer” is unhealthy?

My attic is the size of a can of cat food, only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see, I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.

I suppose I knew on an intellectual level that graves weren’t especially made for getting out of. I mean, you start with a hermetically sealed casket and then you dump six feet of dirt on...

What do you hope to get out of this meeting? – CIA Counterintelligence official, polling the audience before the start of a briefing on CIThat’s what I hope to get: out of this meeting. –...

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

I know how you feel about gears and mechanisms.

That’s it? That’s all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?” Marshall smirked. “Woe is me.

Credo di sembrare un tipo normale, forse persino simpatico, anche se mi hanno consigliato di apparire il più normale possibile, e di non provare nemmeno a fare quella che a me parrebbe un’espressione simpatica o...

I am Clap Man. It’s a reverse super power, because instead of me doing the heavy lifting, I just applaud and encourage and others do all the work.

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

People often say that the English are very cold fish, very reserved, that they have a way of looking at things – even tragedy – with a sense of irony. There’s some truth in it;...

With my big 80s hair, my cut off jean shorts, and my roller skates, I’m going to look sexy on my way to work in the snow this winter. And I just got sled dogs,...

Men are like dogs,” Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the...

Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a mindfuck!

I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren’t called turtlenecks, I wouldn’t have worn them.

As a writer, you must truly possess a love for words.””Yes, that’s right,” I agreed.”I’ve noticed that some authors favor particular words, making frequent use of them. Do you have a favorite?”I nodded assuredly and...

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

So,” he called to her back, “Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?””You think it’ll be so easy?” she called back over...

I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says. “Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all...

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m...

Want me to flex my magic for you, baby?

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...

Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it’s honey. In fact, I may not...

Um, uh, gah.

I fucking hate you.” Women! They can be so confusing and hard to understand with the cryptic way they speak.

He tried drowning himself, but he only succeeded in taking a bath. That man was my dad, and I showed him how to tie a tie—and a noose.

The art teacher’s scarlet book was called Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. ‘As the title suggests,’ Mr Dunwoody saw the book’d caught my attention, ‘it’s about the history of opticians. What are you...

As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I’d keep the...

She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love...

I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

It’s okay to be a loser, it just depends on how good you are at being one.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

…the chapters on whaling in MOBY DICK can be omitted by all but the most punishment-loving readers.

I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time.

Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.

Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.