I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.

That night, when SanJuanna had cleared the main course and brought dessert in, my mother called for quiet and said, “Boys, I have an announcement to make. Your sister made the apple pies tonight. I’m...

getting lucky” means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it’s still HOT!

Don’t feel bad. My body rejects food on occasion too,” Greg said, and she grinned. A sense of humor was always a plus for a man.

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

I quartered a new word the other day. I didn’t just coin it, I flipped it and called in the air.

Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!

Good evening, Lord Corwin,’ said the lean, cadaverous figure who rested against a storage rack, smoking his pipe, grinning around it.Good evening, Roger. How are things in the nether world?’A rat, a bat, a spider....

Your questions regarding that gentleman are very delicate, very subtle, very much like being smacked in the head with a mallet.

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can’t sit over their wine;they can’t play at wist;and they can’t pay a lady a compliment.

I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.

I never had any doubts about my abilities. I knew I could write. I just had to figure out how to eat while doing this.[Cormac McCarthy’s Venomous Fiction, New York Times, April 19, 1992]

A blanket of self-regulated trust on a bed of deceit.

After an awkward pause, Bast extended his hand. Chronicler hesitated for a bare moment before reaching out quickly, as if he were sticking his hand into a fire. Nothing happened, both of them seemed moderately...

Life – with or without softener- is hard

The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of myself.

I’m writing” to sleep all the time.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Life is too hard to maintain a constantly serious outlook. You have to laugh at yourself and the world now and then―see humor in undesirable circumstances, even harsh situations―or you will either rot from the...

He is a unicorn. I want to gently capture him and bring him back to my lab for research.

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. “I am totally not getting enough attention here.

I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that women like that I’m like that.

Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but...

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

she tried to stand up. It very nearly worked too … apart from the world spinning at great speed with some very pretty stars … then the ground leapt up and hit her quite hard,...

Whenever Papa said, ‘Jump,’ I was always the first one in the air.

And he gave it for his opinion, “that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better...

what’s meant for you will reach you in time, and if you embrace it with your arms wide open it might just stay with you forever and bless you with more happiness than you could...

I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.

Brick!”

Your novels show only the tiniest fraction of detective work, the brilliant crime, the tantalizing clues, the dramatic chase, the final battle atop a lofty peak with ocean waves crashing down below, and then… justice...

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

Patience is a virtue,” she replies.”Why couldn’t ‘hurry the fuck up’ be a virtue?

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

One Jarod’s a lover, and one Jarod’s a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who’s about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she’s just nuked in the microwave. Every woman...

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that’s not what you want. You’ll settle for those things, but you really...

Room service? Send up a larger room.”[A Night at the Opera]

The easiest way to get a girl you like to like you back is to initially tell her you’re gay, and then later be all like, I think I’m in love with you—I think you...

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks… then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It’s really not even fair to everyone else.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

We talked about talking. (We had been interrupting Ms. Diz a lot). She said that when someone is talking, you listen with your ears.And save your questions for the end.Then you use your mouth.Even if...

Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget.

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

Feel free to look around, but being as though there aren’t any people eighteen or older here, stay off the bed. I’m not allowed to get pregnant this weekend.

Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can’t drive a stick? There are dozens of cars–new cars–that have automatic transmission. It’d be a million times easier.” Adrian shrugged. “I like...