The others would then fall silent and she would continue about doped gallium arsenide detectors, or the ethanol content of the galactic cloud W-3. The quantity of 200-proof alcohol in this single interstellar cloud was...

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

Lollypop…the passion contained merely kissesplaced upon lips, neck and cheekthese young lovers of the castleof which our fairytale speaks…

I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants, so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well, at least until my boss fired me.

Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference)

Key Rabbit, allow me to bore you with a comparison of your wife and a beautiful woman,” I said. “In the morning a beauty must lie in bed for three or four hours gathering strength...

When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.

You have two eyes, and two ears, but only one mouth. This is so because you are supposed to look and listen more than you talk.

I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.

The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with...

You look like a corgi

Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won’t have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you’ll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced...

One minute she acts like she wants to be with me and I’m the one rejecting her. The next, she’s got this barbed wire fence and barking dogs around her, like I can’t even ask...

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Can you imagine the reaction of a British tabloid newspaper if they found a small school in rural England hosting a party like this? A party? In a school? With children present? Where marijuana is...

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

I get out of the car, and I’m blasted by the stench of body odor. Cricket is beside me, and he’s talking, but his words don’t reach my ears.Because it’s my mother.Smelling.On my porch.

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. — It is not fair. — He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of...

Probably no purer incitement to hatred existed, Lydia had found, than being told of anyone or anything: you will love him, her or it. The spirit immediately rose up like a fanged cobra.

I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn’t lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.

When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.

Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions:The first one is: Who started it?The second...

The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.

Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that’s being artificially inseminated.

Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.

Don’t litter.

Give the People what they want – and they’ll get what they deserve.

Pissec approaches Pamela Geiger’s cubicle, itching in rhythm with her. He wants to ask her a question while Kalist is out of earshot. She’s not a grass, he’s sure, but stupid people die first.

I’d like to invent a product that’ll turn 18-year-olds into 21-year-olds, and sell it in front of bars.

terrorism n.Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state’s monopoly on political violence.

a spider and a flyi heard a spiderand a fly arguingwait said the flydo not eat mei serve a great purposein the worldyou will have toshow me said the spideri scurry aroundgutters and sewersand garbage...

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing

die Schwachen ein,” – the vulnerable one – after he cried like a child when he sliced two, thin strips of skin off his own index finger using a cheese grater (accidentally) one night when...

‘Now that your speech impediment has been rectified, perhaps you might say something. It would be best if it were humorous. I enjoy a good jest.’ ‘You are dreadfully rude,’ I said to him. He...

It looks as though your shop is doing well,” Luka said gazing around, “Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?”My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I...

Love is like holding a baloney sandwich for a friend. That was over two years ago, and I’m still holding it. I wonder if he’s coming back any time soon. He must be starving by...

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Veeva should count her blessings. Three years ago it was cocaine and a year ago it was crack and lemme tell you, that stuff you got to have. You do anything for that high.” He...

Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.

i’m only an independent woman when there’s nothing heavy to carry

I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.

I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.

Just because it makes no sense doesn’t mean it’s not good advice.

The perfectly measured burr of a dispassionate detective had suddenly changed into the explosive boom of a take-no-shit street cop.Suffice it to say, I froze.

It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at...