Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

Friendship is the grease of life.

Frank stared at him. “Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it’s unfair that I can be an elephant?”Percy considered. “Okay. I guess you got a point. But the...

Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.

She stole my heart, so I stole it back—plus some other items of value.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

I sort of kind of said something a little like that but maybe not clearly enough to sound like that… But it’s what I meant.

Stop!” Narcissus got to his feet. “This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be…” He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he’d...

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like...

Accept the fact that girls squeal when they’re happy or confused or excited or scared or because they just saw a certain boy in line.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

They’ll torture you for months before killing you if you run” Otis shrugged, as if this was an everyday occurrence.

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

Could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it’s a party.

She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack...

I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time.

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

What?” The dread in her tone told Rob she knew what. “How much longer?””Thirty seconds.”She laughed with a panicked urgency. “I just tried to nod. I can’t feel my body, but I keep reaching for...

Some people say he engineered his own arrest to gain an insight into modern methods of policing for a thriller he had planned. But you know what happens to artistic rats in prison: they have...

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

Everyone Deserves An Equal Footing.

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

That isn’t writing at all, it’s typing.

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease...

I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t...

It’s like they’ve forgotten everything important, isn’t it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.

All I really know about you is that you’re not loyal to your girlfriends, you treat one-night stands like crap, and apparently you’ve made quite a name for yourself not only in the business world,...

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

An artist is identical with an anarchist,’ he cried. ‘You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment...

Suffering is my teacher. If I pay attention to it instead of trying to numb it out, maybe it can lead me to its root.

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

Please take note that any and all dragon petting will be at your own peril. We are not liable for any injuries sustained while petting.

Nothing that dangerous. You won’t need a safe word.

Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and very soon your spirits will rise, just like your posture. It works. My...

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

I’m a survivor, ” I said. But I didn’t think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary.

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face...

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who’s life is givin’ them vodka and have a party!

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

Have you made any other friends since we’ve been here?”I gave him the death stare. “Yes, actually.””Who? I want a name.””Jamie Roth.””The Ebola kid? I heard he’s a little unstable.””That was one incident.

I often think publishing a book is like doing a poo. Once it’s ready for the world, you have to relinquish that control and let nature take its course. A few will be impressed by...

You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.