Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.

I sing into burritos like they’re microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.

Afternoon experience: autographing exposed legs, outstretched in lines like matchsticks. Afternoon epiphany: Those with smooth, hairless legs would soon lose all evidence of my contact when the sweat causes the ink from the marker to...

I got arrested for signing autographs. Signing a little girl’s autograph got me arrested.

Hold on to that. You have an autograph. I’m going to be famous some day.

And [Asimov]’ll sign anything, hardbacks, softbacks, other people’s books, scraps of paper. Inevitably someone handed him a blank check on the occasion when I was there, and he signed that without as much as a...

Lockhart’ll sign anything if it stands still long enough.

I’m such a strong human being. I amaze myself even. If only you knew what I’ve been up against, you’d want my autograph. I’m a real life superhero.

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?

You are a success and nothing will stop your shining!

I need my tropical square boots, and a fish that when it swims looks like my squiggly signature. Also, I could go for a cup of coffee.