I’m Crusty,” he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.

And it’s Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke…

They mean hot like ‘I’m too good for you I got my own money don’t be frontin’ me.’ You’re more like ‘Be my boyfriend I’ll make you cookies come meet my dad ‘ know what...

My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special.

To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

Come on.

Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely,” said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. “But I must say, Ginevra’s dress is far too low-cut.”Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly...

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts...

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart. Her secret lover left her for a younger woman.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane

If you took everything I’d ever found hot in a girl and piled them into a corner, you’d get Cricket Hunt standing in a corner.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

It’s kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

Nothing spices up one’s sex life like having a partner.

norris didn’t cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to...

Es gibt keinen Gott und Dirac ist sein Prophet. (There is no God and Dirac is his Prophet.){A remark made during the Fifth Solvay International Conference (October 1927), after a discussion of the religious views...

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, “Don’t even think about it.” A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons...

My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?

Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and...

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?” the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. “Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

Lucy: I don’t understand men.Nettie: What is there to understand? If you feed ’em regular-like and give ’em a bit of ‘sugar’ now and then, they’re easy enough. And if they don’t behave, you just...

Orion brightened. “I have an idea.””Yes?” said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.”Why don’t we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn’t work, you could...

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.

Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ – one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn’t a woman alive who could go from point...

Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

What you see is what you see

Still talking here!

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.

You piss me off you Salmon… You’re too expensive in restaurants.

I suppose he’s a bit young,” he said.

I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved you and you returned it. However, at white,...

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

I like that: a little pressure on the understood boundaries of yourself. Sounded like something out of a self-awareness class, probably with yoga. See what kind of a pretzel you can tie yourself into and...

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me....

If you’re like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled...

The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species.

[…] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when he apprehended some danger of having it...

Taking into account the public’s regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

As a young father it’s important to remember that, when you’re at the beach, there’s a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him...

Lebanon is the only country where media kills more than bombs, injures more than guns…and at last they say freedom of speech…

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

Don’t make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It’s not civilized.

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...