When conservative judges strike down laws, it’s because of what’s in the Constitution. When liberal judges strike down laws (or impose new laws), it’s because of what’s in the New York Times

Hey, dude, it’s me. I brought you all four Bloodsport movies. Open up!” Jason’s voice filtered past the front door, and he and Violet flew apart like teenagers at a party raid. No way. This...

I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.

Of course. My second-favorite thing to do in bed.

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

Long enough for a man to run his hands through.

Love is like the moment you’re about to win at chess, and then you realize you’re the other color and you’re actually about to lose.

Nice work,” I commented drily. “How old was that littlest one? Five? Did she put up a terrible fight?””I feared for my life,” Zach said with a perfectly straight face. “You must be bored, Julia....

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

I’ll never forget my time with her. The two of us made love like three lawn chairs—the kind that fold up.

Sure, I liked girls but I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we were arguing or I was calling them stupidos, which was one of my favorite words that year.

Is Lisa going to the prom?’I shelved my worries for the moment. ‘I don’t know, Mom. We don’t talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.’You could go together, if you didn’t want to mess...

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

Cottage cheese, broken down into its simplest form, is milk that has been curdled to mimic the cellulite its consumption is meant to banish.

You can’t make a fan of everyone. Stay true to your story, characters, music, art or whatever it is you do and fuck everyone else who doesn’t like it. Life isn’t perfect.

Dignity is overrated. You know what trumps dignity? Kissing.

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn’t stop sending me these notification emails…how many times do I have to turn them off?

Here’s the thing – in this damned century, you’ll meet a lot of people who do a lot of things. What’s funny is the fact that the most desirable attributes of these people are nothing...

That was the funniest thing I’d heard in days.You’re kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than ‘fair is fair.’ Life isn’t FAIR, Dean….Nothing is fair, EVER. That’s the stupidest...

I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.

Revenge is sweet and not fattening.

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I’d damn well tell him myself.

Don’t scream out my name in bed. Scream out random fractions instead.

It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of...

(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)”How do you find America?””Turn left at Greenland.

very” while yawning.

A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn’t leave me for someone prettier.

I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.[IRC discussion at Scifi.com, 1 November 1996]

Democracy is like a tamborine – not everyone can be trusted with it.

When asked about sex, she said she had a headache. I said I have a pill for that. It’s called a Viagra, & I’d be willing to take it for her.

It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly...

I’m not bossy – I just happen to be more capable than most everyone else.

Ministry of Magic (M.O.M) Classification.xxxxx Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate / or anything Hagrid likes

I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.

No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!

I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe....

My hobby is boxing up all my stuff and then unpacking it and pretending I just moved and I’m getting a fresh start on life. And I make love like a professional boxer, only without...

The woman is the home. That’s where she used to be, and that’s where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home — will the...

Trust me,’ he says with a touch of impatience.‘Stop asking me to do that,’ I say, equally as impatiently.

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my...

No,’ the professor replied. ‘Her Majesty s alive and well – at least I assume so if she hasn’t met a certain van driver from Yeovil.’ ~Professor Hamilton

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

I make love like others make money. You’ve got to spend money to make money, right? If not, then why am I paying for sex?

When I lose control, I lose my cool and I pass the point of no RTN.

Just because I’m no jaw clacker doesn’t mean there should be a ruction put up whenever I have sommat to say.

And I didn’t fall. I left. Tendered my resignation, as it were.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.